We’re Already Dead (But That’s Okay)
We’re Already Dead (But That’s Okay)
Yes! Cacao indeed!
I miss you and I miss watching Portlandia with you.
Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.
— Carl Jung (via burningmywounds)
“Treating the familiar as unfamiliar draws out the absurdity in the world we have created, allowing us to see our existence anew. It makes our objects and actions seem silly in some cases and ridiculous in others. What has been hidden in normality is exposed. This fresh context brings surprise, and surprise mixed with the absurd usually results in humor.”
—David Holub on Kurt Vonnegut, who was born on this day in 1922. Read more from a Vonnegut roundtable held earlier this year here.
John Gorka - Silence
Honestly the only song I know by him. I’ve explored others but this one is a masterpiece. It’s one of my favorites of all time. Always always in season!
I’ve recently deactivated my facebook and I would like to try and make tumblr my home again. The problem is many of the people I really care for will never have a tumblr page but that’s alright. I don’t really need to substitute real life interaction with a screen anymore. It’s been three days since I deactivated and as silly as it sounds I feel pretty liberated by the whole endeavor. God, first world problems!
It’s all so stupid to me anymore. The fact that no matter what I chose to like on that site it will always find a way to share pointless pictures and memes that are entirely irrelevant and unwaveringly annoying. I find it comical and sad that now that it is November many people of the facebook community have decided to devote each day to the things they are thankful for. “30 days of thanks.” It seems ridiculous because for the vast majority of the time all that is on there is complaints.
And I am not complaining that they have things to be thankful for. Maybe I just hate trends. I’m sure that is the case. I’ve always been that way. Call me a hipster. I don’t give a fuck.
In fact I don’t give a fuck about much of anything anymore. I’ve been really struggling emotionally, dealing with being alone and lonely all the time in a new town. Worried about my future. Telling myself not to and just enjoy the moment.
I am always trying to convince myself of something. Always trying to find the pattern or the trail behind the lines. What lies beneath. What have you. Always seeking the truth.
Over the past year I let go of a lot of people and for a while I regretted that fact but now I see that it was for the best. Every person comes into our lives for a reason. Maybe. Truthfully we cannot say whether this a fact or not. Either everything happens for a reason or nothing does. And yes, it must be that black and white. Truth is that black and white.
I can’t seem to keep my mind straight lately though. My mind wanders all over the place. It is almost as if my mind itself is pacing. I’m chasing it like a kid trying to keep up with a kite or a dog on a leech.
I’ll tell you something though even with all these disturbances within my own personal psyche I would still gladly be alone than with many of the people I have met in my life.
As I have grown older I have steadily become more an introvert and even more so a loner. Sometimes I relapse into my extroversion and in those moments I realize why I do not engage with people as often as I once did. They tire me and make me feel all the more lonely.
I don’t know who said it and I would venture to say a lot of people have that “there is nothing worst than being alone in a crowd.” I’m not sure if that is true, I’m sure there are worst things that could happen, there always seems to be.
The funny thing about life in all it’s grossness and magnificence is that no matter what we go through no matter how terrible, devastating, heartbreaking, or even wonderful a thing is we always get through it. No matter what the experience is we always transcend.
I like that very much about life. And when I think about what it means to really be alive I think it means excepting the temporal nature of our existence and our experiences. I think it requires a certain level of attachment as well as detachment. And to be honest I could go on forever about the importance of duality and balance and believe you me I have.
I’m not even sure what my intentions are with this post. Frankly I have no intentions. No expectations therefore, I cannot be disappointed.
Shakespeare said that the best way to avoid disappointment was to avoid expectations and I quite agree. This speaks to me so deeply because I have been consistently bothered (to say the very least) by my expectations of others and theirs of me.
So I am trying not to have anything and I am trying to accept the temporal nature of life. To simply be.
But I get antsy and I think and I pace and I worry and I wonder. And I have run on sentences. These are not my best qualities nor are they my worst. I will never be perfect even though I strive to be knowing it is impossible and ridiculous. I don’t mean perfect in the sense without flaw but I want to be perfect in my acceptance of my flaws and those of others.
This is one of the many reasons I deactivated my facebook.I was tired of my hypocrisy and of theirs. I was tired of constant stream of stupidity and even more so I was tired of my reactions to these things. I began to realize that logging in had become such a habit for me that I was losing myself in the newsfeed and becoming enraged by it and angered even more so by my own rage. I’m either psychotic or complicated either are plausible.
But truly when I get down to the real nitty gritty of it all I hate facebook for what it has taken away from the human race that uses it so prevalently. I hate facebook because people are becoming lonelier as a result. We are connected but truly incredibly disconnected to our true selves, to one another, to our reality. We are consistently bombarded by the virtual nonsense that is merely an illusion.
And most of what you are told to think is an illusion or a lie which are pretty synonymous. It’s kind of like when you’re growing up and you have all these big dreams about who or what you want to be when you get older and adulthood just seems all the more magical than childhood and you grow up one day and realize what a load of bullshit that was and you become cynical from it all.
I try not to be cynical but a good part of me is but not without reason. I think about all the prevailing ideas that surround our culture and the way woman are projected as damsels in distress and men are warriors. But really what are they getting at?
They are setting a premise for your life. It is the same way that everyone no matter how much they suck at something are getting some sort of reward for mere participation. And if you wanna know the truth I am against equality if it doesn’t equal justice.
In fact I would take truth, justice, liberty, and joy over political correctness, equality, freedom, and the pursuit of happiness. If you don’t believe there is a difference you need to study your etymology. There is more truth in the origin of language than in our history. I will tell you that much.
I don’t really know much of anything except that there are eternal truths that we must face. There are highs and lows we must face but without either we could enjoy neither. There I go with the duality again.
But it’s true. This is why pleasure for the sake of pleasure does nothing but leave you high and dry. Morality exists not because we need it to. It exists because its truths are just as real as the air you are breathing and if you feel the breath of truth in your lungs then you must at least know something is there.
It is the old Cartesian dialog of whether or not we actually exist. There is no way of knowing except for the fact that we think, so we are.
And life is more than simple subjective choses but those subjective choses are the most important because of the universe existing as a whole. So maybe all of this is some mass illusion and none of it is real. Than what is real?
We cannot say what is and what isn’t unequivocally. We cannot use merely the material because we do not grant consciousness it’s proper place and meaning. If we are conscious and we are part of this whole than the whole must also be conscious at some level.
The mass majority would have you just exist for consumption, procreation, and death. They tell you it is good to be in the belly of the beast.
But I say no way. I see absolutes and I see truths. They are of such depth they are almost unspeakable and truly may be for they may be subconscious.
Human beings are complex. We are full of emotions but also of intellect. We are capable of the most heinous and debauched behaviors but also the most beautiful and giving behaviors. We are empathetic.
And empathy at it’s heart must mean something deeper than words could ever express. Or are we to believe that all martyrs die for pride?
For every vice there is a stronger virtue. For every pain there is not only an equal pleasure but a lasting lesson.
We must understand that each and every moment in our own individual lives are far more important than the projections or ideas of ourselves that the celebrities, politicians, and the media impose on us.
The saddest facts of this era are the following: 1) We are educated to be indoctrinated into a system that is made to fail. 2) We have been trained to compare ourselves with others. 3) We have been taught to be so completely tolerant that we have lost sight of ourselves and the truth. And the saddest of all 3) We believe some lives are of more value than others.
All of these are tools of manipulation. Leading ultimately to our society’s demise. And a great many of us won’t see it coming and won’t know how to fight back anymore.
I won’t stand back and watch our beautiful world go up in flames without a fight. I am a lover but I will fight to the death for what I believe in. And you should too.
You should never let anyone devalue you in any way and you should never be afraid to speak your mind.
Stop worrying about hurting someone’s feelings and tell them the truth. Lies bring bondage. The truth will set you free. It always has and it always will.
Good night and good luck!
I have been all out of sorts lately. Unable to really eat. Forcing myself to sleep by doing nothing but lying in silence with my eyes closed and more than enough melatonin for someone at least twice my size. Sometimes the sleep just comes, other times I just lie and cry.
All of this is because I’m so lonely especially in crowds. When all the faces as nice as they are only make me wish you were here.
I feel abandoned and I just cannot figure out whether I should try and move on or let the missing and my love for you wait this out. Whatever all this is. I’m confused and conflicted. I feel so broken.
Then I listen to this song. When I hear it my mind is flooded with a very precious memory. A memory I never knew would mean anything at all to me. Yet, looking back now this memory has a tremendous affect on the love that I desire. Desire for the same love I saw in my mother and stepfather eyes as they sang this to each other and danced with one other in the middle of my living room. They did this a lot, the dancing and singing to one another around the house. It’s a simple but profound display.
My stepfather is a very intense person and as a teenager I thought he was a terrible person. In many ways he only made me stronger. The truth of the matter is that the love he has for my mother and the love that my mother has for him is stronger than any love I’ve ever been witness to. Those lyrics: “there’s no one else above you” was literal for them.
Now with all my sadness I still believe in us. I won’t settle for anything less than what they have. It’s true love and it’s real. I’ve seen in with my own eyes. The way he catered specifically to my mother. The way my mother doesn’t want to do a single thing without letting him know isn’t because he is controlling her it is because truly they wish to be there and to share each moment with one another. I believe everyone deserves that kind of love but not everyone wants it.
Everything that Madonna says in this interview is nothing short of phenomenal. She expresses so much truth and everyone should watch both this interview and her short film.
And most definitely watch this! Her short film secretprojectrevolution. It made me cry for every reason one can fathom, this is what true art does. It has it’s own voice and it isn’t afraid it is proud and it stands up for the oppressed. It stands for truth! It stand for love which is the ultimate truth.