I want to be beyond the borders. 
I want to see beyond te sun.
I want to leave this land forever,
and to leave nothing undone.

I want to run with all this magic.
I want to roll with every stone.
I want to capture you in photographs,
and get you to laugh, get you alone.

I want to travel upwards.
And play music in the sky.
Hear you words, your beats, your melody.
I want to be just you and I.

The moon might have footprints
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry 
I just wander on.
And if your in a hurry
than I’m already gone.

Dear me, darling, this is just a dream.
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry
I just wander on.
Cause I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

And this is just a start.
With all the bruises on my heart.
I know if I got somewhere far,
I’ll pass the torch and use the light of stars.
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry
I just wander on.
Cause I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

I’ve got plenty, I’ve got plenty.
I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

With or without
all the souls they laid to rest.
I promise, always,
to do my best.

What I did and what I do,
may have been none or all for you.
Or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry none.
I just wander, on and on.
Cause I’ve got plenty years to live.
With or without I’ve got plenty of love,
I’ve got plenty of love to give.

11th Dimension - Julian Casablanca! Enjoy!

I just nod, I’ve never been so good at shaking hands
I live on the frozen surface of a fireball
Where cities come together, to hate each other in the name of sport
America, nothing is ever just how you plan
I looked up to you but you thought I would look the other way

And you hear, what you want to hear
And they take what they want to take
don’t be sad, won’t ever happen like this anymore
So whens it coming? This life’s new great movement that I can join The warning here
Your faith has got to be greater than your fear

Forgive them even if they are not sorry
All the vultures, bootleggers at the door waiting
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/JFo2 ]
Your are looking for your own voice, but your nervous
While it leaves you trapped in another dimension

Drop your guard, you don’t have to be smart all of the time
I got a mind full of blanks
I need to go somewhere new fast
And don’t be shy, oh no, at least deliberately
No one really cares or wanders why anymore
Oh I got music, coming outta my hands and feet and kisses
That is how it once was done
All the dreamers on the run

Forgive them even if they are not sorry
All the vultures, bootleggers at the door waiting
Were so quick to point out our own flaws in others
Complicated, man was on the wings of robots
If you believe in this world your not inviting me
But don’t think that yet, to the top, now know what to do

A lot is on my mind and a lot of it stays on my mind. I have truly learned the most about myself, others, and life itself over the past six months. My twenty second birthday is coming up in two months. I’m very excited for several reasons but essentially because I will be 22 and that is my golden birthday! I said it back in January that 2010 was going to be my year and I am not letting go of that attitude. I’m so thankful for everything I have, all the people I know, and all the lessons I have learned from all the experience I have lived.

Regardless of what comes next I know that I will embrace it with open arms because I have been truly blessed with so many extreme trials and joys that I could never feel complete discontent with myself again. I used to ponder all the time about how I felt worth in my life that I believe no one else would truly understand or feel but the older I have become the more I have realized that that beauty is individual and should be experienced and appreciated as that. If someone misunderstands I have difficulty in that and I try and do my best to make them understand me however the past six months have taught me that all of reality is truly subjective and beyond that there is objectivity that can be seen and heard. 

I just know that this life is beautiful and crazy and I would not trade it for anything. I accept everything and I feel like a breath of fresh air. I feel a true sense of freedom. I am so happy because of all of this. I have forgot my fears for the most part and I am ready to live more and more each day. Acceptance of self is key. Realizing who you are and what you aren’t allows you to handle any situation with the right attitude and so much of life is attitude. I feel as if I owe so much to so many people and I do to be honest and if I could give them back any bit of the understanding and clarity they have given me then I would be eternally grateful.  

And there is still so much more to say, to contemplate, and to be lived and this is the most exciting feeling, to live and be grateful of each moment. Thank you!

…

Gambling is an interesting concept especially with regards to life. What does your life mean to you? Do you feel like you are living up to your true potential? Do you feel as if you could be more, do more, see more? If so why aren’t you? Is it that risk that is involved that both tantalizes and scares you? Yeah, yes! Duh! I have absolutely no purpose for fear in my life and yet I have absolutely without a doubt been a victim to it. Fear of speaking out about how I truly feel, fear about driving which is pretty ridiculous I guess, fear of letting go, of accepting myself and others as they are, fear of failure and on and on to name a few and sometimes I leave this place a fear briefly and make totally and completely irrational decisions based solely on the fact that I feel a lingering need for change because this cozy comfy couch just ain’t kickin’ it no more. 
And in that I would like to introduce two different lyrical concepts on the topic of gambling. Whether in life or in a game or whether you believe life is just a game you do have to know how to play. That’s the icky sticky fun part, the experience. The melodramatic bullcrap that we call all just sit and laugh about over a nice cup of coffee or whatever else floats your boat. But I digress and now introduce the songs.
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers)

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em,know when to walk away, and know when to run.You never count your money, when your sittin’ at the table.There’ll be plenty of time for countin’, when the dealin’s done.”
and 
The Gambler by fun. 


I’m just going to include the entire lyrics because I am so in love with this song…it is never ending.

Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazyAll the kids are grown from babies into flowers in our eyesWe’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the gardenI don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die
We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective heartsIt was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eyeAnd you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to danceI knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight
I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a roseI will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonelyFor even if the sun stops waking up over the fieldsI will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s on timeSo just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side
It was the winter of ‘86, all the fields had frozen overSo we moved to Arizona to save our only sonAnd now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his motherHe believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone
And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughterShe has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are grayAnd just like him she never stops, never takes the day for grantedWorks for everything that’s handed to her, never once complained
You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you awayBut like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago’Til this day, you swore you’d be here ‘til we decide that it’s our timeBut it’s not time, you never quit in all your lifeSo just take my hand and know that I will never leave your sideYou’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side
You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eyeYou curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is oursSo we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grownAnd the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire

—————————————————————————————————————————————————I guess what true assessment to myself and to others is finding what it is in life that is worth the gamble. There is so much out there to gain and all of that but what is it at the very end of the day that you think about? What is your tireless desires that you never lay to rest not even in your dreams? Mine has a lot to do with love but i’m not sure in what form or from whom. I just know that love is real and truly all we really need. It is what all of our spirits are most hungry for. 
Yet, I am unsure of the ways and means but I have faith and that’s saying a lot!And I’m a gambler, I gotta be. 
God Bless! 

It’s the stupidest thing but lately I’ve been having these thoughts. As I look outside the window and see the men working diligently on the rooftop of a house a few down from mine, I imagine one of them is you. I imagine you will realize how close you are to my house. I imagine you will take just one minute from working and walk over and knock on my door. And I’ll answer and we will hug and kiss and everything else will disappear. But you’re not even in that line of work and I could guess where you are and where your thoughts are. You’re scared but I’m far more afraid of your absence than you’ll ever know.

The other night I had a dream that my mom picked me up from Jason’s. In my dream I was still asleep and awoke upon receiving her phone call. She told me that it was important that I go with her now. I didn’t have to get dressed (which doesn’t make any sense) cause I had clothes on already. I ran outside and there was my mom in a small car gray car that I didn’t recognize. The car was putting off an excessive amount of smoke from the exhaust. It must have been freezing because the heat was on in the car and my mom had it cranked up but I don’t remember the temperature.

After driving for a while she took me to the Holiday Inn Express and said that we had important business inside. I had no idea what she was talking about but I listened and followed her inside. When we got inside the Holiday Inn had turned into my aunt Traci’s old house on East Ellis..which is most ironically right next door to Jason’s.

Once I recognized the inside of the place I become overwhelmed with this welcoming feeling and realized that most of my intermediate family was there and a rather large amount of extended relatives as well.

For some reason or another I rushed to Cricket’s old bedroom and looked around. It was the same as it used to be. Only it seemed to glow more. I began to pee in a corner of her floor, (WTF?) as I was wiping the pee up with some old dingy just happened to be there towel Cricket walked in. She told me that there was a coffee stain there. I said oh. And asked her if she had any tampons.

She told me she would look for some but she was doubtful. She left me in her room. After a while of sitting and trying to understand exactly what was going on and why I had peed in her floor I left her room and walked across the hall to Connor’s old room.

It was exactly the same as I remembered before only whiter. Inside of his room where two cats playing together. I was watching them play and laughing until I realized that one of the cats had some plastic doll sized armor on it’s body and could not see because of it. I made it my mission to help the poor kitten out. I got the armor off and it look up at me with a thanks and went on playing with the other cat.

I left Connor’s room and walked out into what used to be the kitchen. Now it seemed like a mix between a bedroom, kitchen, and gathering area. It was confusing to say the least. Where the kitchen table used to be there was this huge rectangular shaped bed which looked more like an overgrown couch pillow and on it were two men. One of the men was fully clothed and ‘normal’ looking.

The other man was naked and fat and had very very tiny limps. And no genitals other than an asshole. He was also somewhat hairy…the kind of hairy that could never be attractive and the color of pinkish whitest newborn naked mole rat complexion that would scare anyone off.

I looked at both the men whom where looking at a photo album. The two men seemed to be discussing my family. With closer inspection I realized that I recognized the ‘normal’ man but I cannot remember who he was now. As soon as I recognized him in the dream he asked the ‘worm-man’ if he knew ‘Alexis’.

The worm-man said “Of course I know Alexis” with a big grin. This freaked me out. I left the two men and found my Aunt Traci. I asked her if she had any tampons. She said she would look but she was doubtful just as Cricket had said.

I told myself I didn’t have time to wait for them to find me tampons. I was going to have to convince my mother to leave.  I told my mom that I had just started my period and that if I didn’t get any tampons soon that I would surely leak everywhere.

She sympathized with my predicament and said, “We will leave now but before we go to Wal-Mart let’s stop by McDonald’s because I am very hungry and I am craving a double cheeseburger.” I realized that I too was hungry and felt this was the only way I would ever get my tampon and so I agreed.

While inside McDonald’s my mom told me to order only one double cheeseburger meal. I thought to myself that is ridiculous but whatever. I ordered it and McDonald’s was a fairly high class restaurant in this dream. The meal came with curly fries (never gonna happen in real life) and a salad and of course a double cheeseburger only it had mac sauce on it. Which is awesome.

While I was getting my salad at the counter, my mom was behind me at the salad bar getting herself a salad. I looked at the cashier and she said that we were not supposed to get two salads but she would let it slide this time. I thanked her and then sat down with my mom.

Now it was as if we were eating at one of those tents from a fair or something. We were seated on metal picnic tables. And they were cold. I don’t remember actually eating the meal although I know we did. My mom had covered the curly friends in ketchup which I have an extreme distaste for and I asked her why she would do such a thing. She just exclaimed that she wanted to. For some reason that sufficed.

After we ate, I’m assuming because the food was gone and only trash was left on our plates my mom took me to Wal-Mart. But we never went inside. We just sat out in the parking lot for a while.

Then my mom took me across the street from the Missouri Conservation Center by Mobile (used to be BP). She took me to a trailer/apartment. Inside was cramped with three beds which all looked overly sleeped in. I sat on one and my mom sat on the other.

I looked at her strangely with an expression of both confusion and fascination.  I asked her what we were doing here. She told me this is where she was living now. She said “but Jim and I are not fighting, if that’s what you think”. She exclaimed rather defensively. I continued to stare at her with the same expression.

“What’s something big that happens in March, Alexis?”

“Taxes!?”

“Exactly, Courtney and I are living here because it will be more cost efficient for everyone. “

Of course none of this made sense to me but I just laid down on the bed and went to sleep. I woke up in ‘real life’ after that. But this dream was so real that when I woke up at Jason’s I thought for a second that my mom had either called and was coming to get me or that the entire dream happed.

I believe our dreamworld is just as real as our ‘real world’. I mean what is reality anyway. If you need filled in with more detail about this dream or any other aspect of my life feel free to formspring.me!

Stevi and I are contemplating our future and it making us crazy happy! We are thinking of giving everything up and running away to New York!

In all honesty, I cannot wait for what tomorrow has in store for me. Not just the next day but all of eternity. I am so enlightened by the mere fact of existence that I could absolutely explode. I am seeing stars. I am conceiving plans from my dreams so bright, so bright they sting. I feel so inspired and positive and motivated and ambitious and just all together awesome that I want all of the world to feel me.

Feel how hot I am to touch. Saver how sweet I am to taste. 
Notice how bold I am to hear. Inhale how comforting I smell.
And visualize how intricate I must be.
I must be and you must be.
And you are me. You are me.


Everything that surrounds 
from here on out
is exactly
what I want.
If I feel insane
eventually
for making the same mistakes
I’ll retract and retreat
and start it all over
until I learn 
until I can fly
without wings


I’m really really really happy right now.
I think I have finally come full circle.
I am starting to understand myself 
and what my personal journey
and purpose have meant.

I am realizing who I am 
and what I’m about.

I feel so whole, so content, so complete, so worry free.
I am feeling all burdens vanish into air.
I am exhaling my long held breath.
I’m letting it all out and taking it all in.

All of this is stream of consciousness. All of this is truth that is alive within me.
I am so incredibly inspired that it is difficult to just sit here and not wake everyone I know up with the good news. That life is so beautiful, so ephemeral, so pure and potent. Nothing can replace a single second. Each moment so precious and well defined. I will never let go of anyone at anytime. If you need me. I’ll be there. 


“Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter. Togetherness, girl it’s all I’m after. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there.”

I just made my cat do a hand stand. I want you all to know that I love you. All of you. Each and every single one. No more and no less. Well truth be told I might care more for certain folks more than most but that’s earned ever so slowly and gracefully. 

I love human interaction and realizing the connection we all share within a conversation whether brief or long. Just that moment, that second, you know you belong. Right exactly where you are at this point in time. Nothing matters but the present. So be as big as you wish or as tall as you dream. 
Be a monster, a princess, a prom or drag queen. Be a cashier, a waitress, a secretary, a model. Be bold, be in charge, be excited, and zesty. Hold true to your truth to your intuition and your feelings. Know what your heart’s true desire is and do your damnedest to fulfill it.

No good deed goes unpunished. By friends I am turning twenty one in three days. I’m a little nervous but by all accounts I am excited. This weekend and this year are going to be righteous to the maximum. I want all bad vibes to be put behind us now. I want only good to linger. 

So have whatever dish you wish to dine with
and any girl or boy you choose.
Because in the end you have absolutely nothing but you fears to lose.

Let go of your fears.
They are only holding you back.
Let the good times roll.
Let the music play. 
Sing along to every song you know.
Stop being so cautious with ever single word or thought.
Provoke the world to imagine a better way
And do it. Do it to it.


If you cannot expect to understand 
and be the ever living example of everything 
you wish to exist and be complete and right
then you will never see it exist. 
For something you desire to be manifested
it must first enter this world in you.
Through you and by you.


Gandhi rocked it like no other 
“Be the change you wish to see in the world”

So be happy be healthy
be inspired and free
Show the world the best
example of ME


And if at a moment of despair do not fret
“for this too shall pass”
All moments are spectacular and individual
we are to live to experience
so impress what you love 
and rid your mind, body, and spirit of the rest.

May you all have the courage to be what it is you really want to be and not be held back by the gloved hand of a master you cannot see. If none of this is real and if all of it is fake then does that mean that we are all just pretending to exist?

Regardless of this or that
We are alive to soak up everything we can
And I am the sponge
I want wisdom, I want truth, I want knowledge, I want conversation, I want connection, I want satisfaction from the inner working out.

Wake up Wake up Wake up
and smell your own stink
Rid your mind, body, and spirit
of all you do not regard as ‘right’
but remember it is best first to put
a finger in the water to try and understand 
a temperature

What of everything you know?
What of everything you don’t?

Teach me something, I have five or more senses with which I can intake all you have to share.

Love life because life is love and love is life.
Love is 
Life is
And you are.
We are.

I guess to be truthful and frank and so on
I just love being alive and sometimes I forget how delicious it is to partake of air. To be able to breath and to be alive. I forget how awesome it is to have all opportunity available even though they can seem so far. There is no truth so honest as the truth within oneself.

Have a night or have a day whenever you read this, have it your way. 

Waking up in the morning to a full plate of breakfast right next you in bed must feel good. Does it make you feel complete? Knowing that you have your warmth of the shelter, the comfort of a meal, and the love of another that graciously prepares and delievers to you each day.

And you get dressed and go off to work. You kiss her goodbye and as you pull away from the drive with nothing but ordinary and as usual written on your face, she waves fairwell.

She starts to pack her bags. First things first, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup, the boxed letters and poets she hid from you, the paintings she hung on the walls. The coffee maker, she’ll need that at the very least. So she doesn’t pick up after you today. She just packs and goes on her way.

She left without warning. Without even the slightest alarm. There is something in here moving her to run. She can’t be settle in this world you want her in. A box with two bedrooms just in case. A nice kitchen and dinning room set. A beautiful couch and love seat and your stupid lazy boy.

And it defines you in more ways than one. You stupid, lazy boy. You don’t realize what you have. You don’t really understand all she has offered and all that has already been given to you. You stupid, lazy boy you have no hope in living. You just wait for the next day. You don’t even appreciate your own breath. You stupid, lazy boy she was the only freedom you had.

Someday man will see that we have chosen all of this for ourselves. And on that day we will all pull into our oversized parking lots or guarges with out heavy duty vehicles and we will shut and lock the doors as usual. We will enter the home like every other day. We will not feel her absence. But once we start looking around and feel nothing but emptiness we will then realize.

We will realize what we have given up for our stupid nine to fives. We will realize what knowledge, what wisdom we have truly sacrificed by our laziness of vehicles and televisions. We will realize our pride and our envy and that they are both in vain. We will realize our wrath immediately, here after and all we will want to do is cry. We will want to curl back into ourselves. Into the spirits that we are. But until we wake up from this pattern of living, this lifestlye of denial and spiritual blindness we will never see the face to true freedom.

Stupid Lazy Boy, you thought you had it all. You thought you knew it all.
Stupid Lazy Boy, what does it feel like to come into conflict with yourself on such a level that it is rising like fire in your veins? Does it make you want to move? Does it make you want to agrue? Does it make you want to write, to paint, to draw? Does it make you want to experience life for all it’s beauty and all it’s true. A beauty and truth recognizable by all humans?
Does it make you want to deny me, freedom even more for fear that you have in fact been wrong in your existence all along?

I don’t mean to cause frustration and I don’t mean to cause angry.
I don’t mean to cause sadness and I don’t mean to cause despair.
But I certainly do not mean to cause apathy in thee.
Oh Stupid Lazy Boy, you have power beyond your knowledge.
Do you’re best to wake up. There is a whole universe out there. Why don’t you look around? Tell me what you really see!