It’s 3.06 am. I could still get plenty of sleep if I could fall back asleep now. I’m not sure why I cannot sleep more than two hours at a time. My mind won’t let me slumber so I’m here typing on tumblr. Lately, things have been a little confusing, a little frustrating but I’m still pressing on as positively as I can.

I’m missing certain people and not sure or confident in the outcome of communication. I feel the limbo taking hold. Speaking of limbo, I am two time winner of the Saturday Roadhouse Limbo, which is not much of a surprise considering I am exactly five foot. Some say it’s cheating but I say that short people must have advantages in at least one sport…or game…what have you.

I have got to gather myself and writing is and has always been my most sacred of releases. It’s a real shame how I have gone so long without writing more than three sentences.

Overwhelmed is the atmosphere of my current existence. I’m happy to say I have maintained two jobs since February and have slowly but surly been putting some money back. I got to see Bright Eyes in Saint Louis at The Pageant just last week and it was definitely the highlight of this summer thus far. My friend Stevi and I are going to do our best to finally try out for American Idol. I’m still not sure what song I want to perform.

I feel things growing and dying all around me. I feel so inspired one moment and then completely unaware or unattached to my surroundings. I am told that my limbo state is a fine state and natural state to be in at my age. I’m still unsure. I rest un-assured ahha. That is if I can rest.

I have done a lot of thinking about the perceived permanence of certain feelings or relationships. It is most certainly part of my confusion and frustration. I wish I had the proper words gathered for every amount of feeling I need to express, but I give you what I feel; instantly, unedited, and transparent.

I’m unwilling to yield all of my emotion to the wimps of another human. It scares me, the idea of needing rather than wanting, especially, in regards to relationships. I am afraid of being left so I leave but it is not that simple.

I wonder if I have any talent left in any part of my body? My introspection as of late has been more of highs and lows then I feel are usual. But that could be a lie. I could always feel this way every day and forget each night. You know, “I’ve slept since then”.

I wonder where fear grows the most? Where the pain is unwavering in the soul? I ask so soft, so delicately for understanding. Up on illusion, I ran across the night sky. Clear my throat and tell no lies. No forgiveness yet no restraint. To have and to hold, to chock if I ain’t. Rumors are scabs, so ugly and noticeable when your picking at it, it will hide the truth from your face. 

Something more or less sensational for your flesh. Is the question, we answer best?
But it’s touch and taste and sight and smell but hearing your breath, your voice turns a hell, to a heaven, as quick and as clear as I can handle.  

What is my damage? What have I done? Am I only one person? Am I the only one? I don’t believe I put anything to rest with any sleep or poetry, it just gives me enough energy, enough emotion to function and each day I feel less and less. I feel now like all I really am is a beating heart. 

I think, I do. 
I think, I’ll try.
To pace the floor.
Refuse to cry. 
Open the eyes,
the ears, the doors.
Break like a heart,
no love, forever more.
In the current setting,
a river runs fast,
a river runs free.
Circling me.
Cycle thinking, knowingly.
Surrounding, drowning, comfortably. 
Numb is emptiness.
Numb doubts the obvious pain.
Sad but true,
etched in my brain.
I’m calm, collected, intense, insane.
Above average
but as the night turns 
sweet or sour,  
I promise to make my mind
at the end of the hour.
To hold close and fast
to a love said forever, to last.
Scared of pain but more
frightened of lonliness.
I pray, I beg.
This is my deepest breath,
to inhale the air so tight and strong
to hold onto your memory, forever long.

It’s the stupidest thing but lately I’ve been having these thoughts. As I look outside the window and see the men working diligently on the rooftop of a house a few down from mine, I imagine one of them is you. I imagine you will realize how close you are to my house. I imagine you will take just one minute from working and walk over and knock on my door. And I’ll answer and we will hug and kiss and everything else will disappear. But you’re not even in that line of work and I could guess where you are and where your thoughts are. You’re scared but I’m far more afraid of your absence than you’ll ever know.

I was just pondering in my little silly brain the strange truth to, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. I find everything beautiful in some way. I also find everything humorous in some way. This may seems improbably but I do believe that given the proper conditions anything can be seen as both beautiful or humorous. Now I am not promising simultaneously but I am promising independently that everything is capable of that perception.

Onto what is puzzling me about that strange and delicious truth about perception I was curious as to what strange things do you find appealing about others that you believe most people are ‘turned off’ by? I don’t mean sexually but more of as a means of attraction in general to another human being. What is it that pulls you in? What are some day to day things you do or say that you believe others would perceive as unappealing and unusual?

I find the human specious to be the most strange of all creatures. I sometimes believe that perhaps we have a lot to learn from the beasts and their patient coexistence with nature. Yet, I find the absolute variety in design, perception, intellect, and several other factors truly most memorizing within the human. And this is why I ask you, what really get’s you off? What really motivates the fucking socks off you? What makes you wanna starve to death for it? What makes you the most heated? What chills you to the bone? What restores you from despair? What skeletons are in your closet?

Of course I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

I started this thinking I had nothing to ask but about beauty and went on a world win of questions. If you answer I will truly be appreciative. I will truly show you mine if you show me yours! I think I might start a series. Hells yes! The Bone Marrow Question series!

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