Hello, I'm Alexis Brianne. I'm an nostalgic, an idealist, an opportunist, madly in love with life and inspired by everything. My favorite things are coffee, conversations, confidants and cats but that's a very short list. I'm just a small individual that's big on expression. Welcome to my meandering mind. I'm also available in most social networking varieties, cause I'm a junkie! Hit me up! @alexisbea!
“The present age is one of understanding, of reflection, devoid of passion, an age which flies into enthusiasm for a momentonly to decline back into indolence. Not even a suicide does away with himself out of desperation, he considers the act so long and so deliberately, that he kills himself with thinking—one could barely call it suicide since it is thinking which takes his life. He does not kill himself with deliberation but rather kills himself because of deliberation. Therefore, one can not really prosecute this generation, for its art, its understanding, its virtuosity and good sense lies in reaching a judgement or a decision, not in taking action.”
-Read the rest here http://cliffarnold.com/thepresentage.pdf
The above was written by Soren Kierkegaard in the 19th century and sadly this is becoming even more true today. There are still two types of intellectuals:those that go along with the herd and those that digress. It has always been this way. Noam Chomsky talked about how in America we tend to side with the digressers when they are in another culture and within our own country we tend to side with the main argument. This is quite absolutely true of mainstream society in American.
It is the fact that the majority of American’s have a true forgetting of their past, no memory of their history, not for that of all mankind, not for their country, and not for themselves. Everything is fly by night reflection and yet never actually addresses the real, important, and underlying issues. People today are trained to think in a certain fashion. What Chomsky has stated the public relations committee refer to as ‘manufacturing consent’.
It’s a terrible fact that no one truly seems to take a stand for anything anymore. Everyone just merely talks about it. Even I don’t know what a person can really do anymore. If a person does try and get something done that may oppose the current system, they are either hushed or their credibility is tarnished. This is happening in almost every institution. Yet, the common mass does not know, nor do they care, their minds are filled with popular culture; which has no importance or barring within the realm of reality, not even in the physical, whatsoever. The contradiction between the materialist worldview and the virtual reality within the television and video games is hilarious to say the least.
“A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him.”-Soren Kierkegaard
I’m truly fascinated with the prophetic messages and warnings that many great minds gave centuries ago and you can find them all throughout history. Once again at their time they are seen as ridiculous and then later people realize their importance and their truth. It’s also funny to note that even “Jesus himself had testified that a prophet has no honor in his own hometown.” Chomsky also says that historically the digressing intellectual was the prophet of old.
I feel like the debate has always been what is truly good and what is truly bad for man. Men come and go with different ideologies. The best of them I have found is existentialism because it understands that the sole purpose of existence is up to the individual. Within existentialism you have the theological in Kierkegaard and the atheist in Nietzsche to very different viewpoint but both understanding the necessity of the individual and the subjective experience.
Kierkegaard said that you cannot have faith without doubt because if you did not have down one would have solid evidence and thus it could no longer be faith. He argued the dangerous of blind faith. He would be the utmost interesting person to debate the new atheist today.
Nietzsche exclaimed that, “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Yet his shadow still looms. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?”
Killing all the ideals. Those words resulting in the very culture we have today. One running rapid with people whom have ideals but cannot express for which they really come. They deny the supernatural even though the very denial of the supernatural renders every bit of their life meaningless and their very thought constructs and emotions being nothing more than biologically and chemical reactions adapted byproducts of an evolutionary process that one man Charles Darwin postulated.
Yet, his theory makes absolutely no sense of the true origin of that first single celled organism and in fact has no idea how it could have become manifest out of the inorganic material.
The Atheist Scientist of today assert two different explanations for how that inorganic material created the first organic single celled organism. 1) We were seeded here by some other highly evolved species, Aliens. or 2) The cell piggybacked on crystals. I have no idea how the second even counts as a hypothesis because the chances of that are very very slim. Even still the very fact that they are happier to give the creation of earth’s creatures up to some aliens or some crystals is quite humorous but they sure won’t give it to a God that just doesn’t coincide with their agenda.
And Flaubert warned of the stupidity of modernity and by God was he right!
And Post modernity is far stranger and maybe stupider than even modernity as it refuses any solidify position as to what it is to be a post modernist because to define it would be to defile it.
It seems to me to be more and more ridiculous circular logic that gives no grounds for truly settling on a position or coming to a solid understanding of anyone else. No one can come to a proper conclusion. There is no longer a proper way to determine if any work or deed is good or bad because they cannot tell you by which means to arrive at its definition.
To me the simple truth is this: if you get rid of the idea of supernaturalism and only adhere to naturalism you are limiting your ability towards any ultimate understanding. You are rendering your even your strongest emotions nothing more than biological and chemical reactions and thus feeling extremely happy or extremely sad aren’t really here nor there. No life or death matters. However, if you can keep the idea of supernaturalism there begins to be a much bigger picture of which to look at and much more details to pick through. Consciousness first and foremost to be studied can open a whole new world of dialog.
And see that in naturalism things like love would not exist.
This last two are lengthy but all of the videos within this post are very important because there is a certain, if researched undeniable leadership propagating certain thought patterns and belief systems. They intend have intended throughout history to try and halt a true progress of all mankind and manifest a faulty one that falls in the leadership of a few and allows for great loss and suffering for many whether that loss be a life, a job, true education, or simply a hushed voice. The truly intellectual - those who can think for themselves and are willing to hear and learn the voice of others, have a great responsibility to keep the dialog open for progress for the world over.
Wednesday May 1st
The God Delusion Debate.
This is by far one of the most illuminating debates I have ever seen. I encourage all to watch!
Richard Dawkins’ thesis against faith can easily be rendered faulty if he were more familiar with Soren Kierkegaard’s explanation of the truly impossibility of faith without doubt. Faith could not be faith with one hundred percent proof and likewise blind faith is dangerous as it does not offer any rational skepticism. It is reasonable to have faith with doubt. It is the only logical form of faith and this type of faith is not inherently dangerous.
Also I believe that Richard Dawkins’ notion that being born elsewhere attributes towards a different faith does absolutely nothing in justifying that all theology is inherently delusional. Just because your faith in a certain ideology would have been different elsewhere (obviously) does not mean that the abstract concept of God/Gods is delusional. It’s absurd he tries to present this as evidence for a delusion and people agree. It is obvious your idea of that abstract notion would be and is different from the cultural influences but nevertheless is it not the very fact that man has defined his reality within the constructs of his language. There is much debate within the philosophy of science in so far as whether or not science can actually present us with an ultimate truth. It cannot if it utilizes only the empirical evidence of the phenomenal (observable) data. Why? Because we cannot know everything simply by what are senses have the ability to distinguish moreover when science turns to the unobservable what Kant refers to the noumenal which is knowable by basis of the intuition and requires the use of faith by definition presents us here with the absolute fact that the science that uses the noumenal to explain it’s theories is a case for faith just as much as any form of spirituality.
The bottom line is that both atheist and theist are humans meaning they are imperfect neither of which is destined to truly be without error or mistake because it is shown by our very nature that we are mistaken. A wise person can see the unethical formation within certain philosophies through out history and can learn from them. This does not mean that either side is more honestly prone to the unethical. However, the atheist that says simply they are sure that all that exists is the material has no sense of where is philosophy is obtained.
The position within the science that says that the material is all that exists renders its very existence and purpose useless and meaningless and is circuliar within its logic because it fails to recognize it is using it’s consciousness to gather facts which are obtained as a result of other noumenal constructs like the theory of logic, rationality, the existential truth-that we are not merely a brain in a vat that we do exist, that reality is knowable. Science is based on these philosophies and it’s own language which is mathematics and is a man made philosophy too. All in all If it cannot recognize the importance of consciousness than its means is to no end.
I believe that the nature of our reality lies within our consciousness but it is difficult to study because it is the very thing doing the studying. In order for science to be of any progress to mankind at this point it has to study the consciousness.
To say that matter and all that can be obtain by the mere senses, is all that exists renders all of life meaningless and attains true freedom only as a result of that meaningless all truth becomes subjective there is no truth at all then because truth is infinite( without change). But even still if you explain this is the reality then what is your case for your morality? If it is nothing more than a biological construct that was created to aid in survival why is that anyone could attest to objective morality. There could be none.
Thus fundamentally for the atheist and the scientist that believes in only the material has no grounds for objective morality. Rape, murder, genocide are objectively seen as immoral but they cannot prove the immorality of such a thing without the use of faith which directly contradicts their very doctrine of pure material. It is critical that people recognize that disbelief is also a belief in itself. Nothing is free from the cages of consciousness it is what we are.
It is the same sort of instance where ethically they believe morality is a waste of life for the people because it hinders their freedoms but in the politics they say that war is a terrible waste of life although they have already basically stated that all human life is inherently a waste of time. The consciousness becomes meaningless in this philosophy but the hilarity of it is that you cannot even have a philosophy without the conscious. And Richard Dawkins fails to see the meaning of language and culture and Peter Atkins fails to see the very nature of his scientific philosophy. It’s cyclical logic a means to no end. A line allows progress a circle does not.
A dogma is a belief system. Science will attempt to tell you that they are not dogmatic however why is it that the truly intellectual inquiry of the nature of consciousness is not readily being studied through out the sciences? Because the intellectual inquiry on the study of the nature of consciousness would result in I am very sure almost endless results as the consciousness is the very thing studying the consciousness and furthermore they are steadfastly holding onto the materialistic worldview which is nothing but circular logic that is a means to no end.
Likewise the materialistic worldview says that all that exists is matter and matter is unconscious but if that were so how does the consciousness arise out of the unconscious matter? It cannot and does not. The general scientific community does not desire to study the true nature of consciousness because it renders much of the foundations of the way the world is perceived today absolutely ridiculous. They want you to believe that all that exist is the physical yet there is much proof within your own mind that directly contradicts this.
The mere fact that nothing can be defined without its relation to something else qualifies that everything is connected thus the supposed unconscious with the conscious. But if they were to say that everything is connected through the consciousness and therefore they cannot define the consciousness because it is that very that we are. Why is it that science isn’t studying the very essence of what we are? Consciousness.
There are a number of brave souls within the scientific community who have spoke out about the dogmatic system by which much of the scientific research is conducted and in their studies find that consciousness is really what needs more inquiry especially with the connectedness we have to one another and the world and the rest of the universe. As we are made up of the very elements that were present within the big bang theory and our make up is directly matched with that of the explosion or beginning of the universe thus it must be said that we are all interconnected with consciousness which cannot be explained and by its very nature consciousness of the individual observer of data has been proven through out history to alter the overall results of the experiment. What does that mean? It means that what a person believes or thinks or presupposes about a certain set of data within an experiment will in all actuality render a unique result.
The scientist who views the world as merely material will bring forth only material results. The scientists who trust that the consciousness is something more than a mere byproduct of the material will render different results and in all frankness, a more honest, result because it is self evident that consciousness exists if it does not then none of us really exist and we are merely delusional to believe that we do exist. So do we exist? Do we have consciousness?
Science cannot truly answer these things with infallibly empirical data most especially cannot if it presupposes the fact that we are all merely material, the consciousness must then be a misconception to them. Yet, it is not. They believe we exist and that we have consciousness. The dogmatic system within the sciences presupposes logic and rational. It presupposes that the universe is both knowable and rational in nature.
It attempts to explain how everything is because of material data that could have actually been different at the time it was new/younger/birthed or alive verses the subjective view of it now. It presupposes that there is uniformity through out time and space but none of these things can be scientifically proven. It cannot be scientifically proven that nothing within the any religious text has not in fact taken place by the mere examination of fossil elements that could be vastly different in their new/younger/birthed or within their living state. Science cannot explain science. It can only attain what the supposed and agreed upon historical and scientific facts.
No one though should trust the idea of the miraculous without having their own experience of such. Yet, if the miraculous is experienced the scientific community for the most part denies this and thus renders all of life meaningless. The meaninglessness of life is something most humans never think about. There is great reason for the fact that the underlying dogma within the scientific community is material and thus renders life meaningless.
Why is this so?
It is so because as of this time nearly every system in which we are predisposed to by our economic, cultural, political, historical, scientific, educational and even religious institutions today promote a certain worldview. This means that the people who are the decision makers for the most part about what information is factual and what information is not factual ie. what is true and what is not true is decided upon by a select group of people through out. They control the information that we the people receive.
In doing so they control our perception of the world because if we do not believe what it is they are telling us then we are either crazy or stupid.
However, a person is truly not conscious of their very reality, nature, or essence if they are not allowed to think freely within themselves.
Furthermore, the scientific material worldview renders life meaningless and really nonexistent in the sense that we have consciousness. Also the culture of today is the desire for absolute freedom. But absolute freedom is not without the consequence of a meaningless existence.
How can this be?
Most people become so busy simply working or entertaining themselves that they do not stop to think what is the reason for all of this. Why go to work? Why get an education? Why do anything if in the end you are nothing but material? Why do you have a sense that any of your decisions make a difference?
Many of you here will say that you live to be free. You want that absolute freedom. For one to say they want absolute freedom we are really saying we should be ruled by nothing. This means nothing stands in our way. We deny all absolute truths and thus all truth is subjective. Yet, if all truth is in actuality subjective where does the doctrine for the pushing of that morality of subjective truth come from? Meaning if someone says to you that all truth is subjective and tells you to not try and ‘convert’ them to any other philosophical belief because they profess in the subjectivity of truth, where do they attain the notion that all truth is subjective?
Most great thinkers like Tolstoy, Camus, Aldous Huxley, and many other realized that to obtain the absolute freedom it would mean to recognize the utter meaninglessness of life.
Albert Camus said, “We modern people believe in absolute freedom. Many of us don’t believe in God at all. Many of us don’t believe in a God that you can know. Therefore, we believe in no God or no God you can really know because we believe in freedom. If there was a God we could know, who told us how we had to live, and who gave us the rules, and the regulations, well, then we wouldn’t be free but because we believe in freedom and because we don’t believe in the traditional view of God…we are free. But if we are free we are all like Sisyphus.”
The dogmatic system that has been in place within the scientific community for the most part abandons certain scientific and philosophical inquiry for their material basis because it does not want man to stop and think of the meaning of their lives. It simply feeds them the meaning via all the systems which propagate similar ideologies. Has it not ever occurred to you that a scientific fact nevertheless is for the most part nothing more than a theory. Some of these theories do not even have truly observable phenomena. Which by definition non-observable phenomena what Kant called the noumenal was a place for intuition and faith. Faith! What science as a faith?
Yes, it requires just as much faith as most any religion. Here is an example much like this one by Stephan J. Gould, a late professor at Harvard said, “We are here because one odd group of fishes had a peculiar anatomy that could transform into legs and for terrestrial creatures; and we are here because comets struck the earth and wiped out the dinosaurs, giving mammals a chance they would not of otherwise, have had available to them and therefore; thank you’re lucky stars, in a literal sense, because the earth never froze entirely during an ice age; we are here because a small and tenuous species, arising in Africa a quarter of a million years ago has managed to survive by hook and by crook. We may yearn for a “higher” answer but none exists. This explanation though superficially troubling, if not terrifying, is ultimately liberating and exhilarating. We cannot read the meaning of life passively in the facts of nature. We must construct these answers ourselves, from our own wisdom and ethical sense. There is no other way.”
Has he not said liberating, meaning freeing. Yet, he adheres to the idea that we must construct these answers ourselves from our own wisdom and ethical sense. But how can anyone define the ethical or wisdom at all if there is no meaning and no absolute?
Aldous Huxley was by far the most honest about the true efforts and underlying agenda within of the idea of absolute freedom and meaninglessness saying, “I had motives for not wanting the world to have meaning; consequently I assumed it had none, and was able without much difficulty to find satisfying reasons for this assumption. The philosopher who finds no meaning in the world is not concerned exclusively with academics; the philosopher the philosopher who finds no meaning in this world is also concerned to prove that there is no valid reason why he should not personally do as he or she wants to do or why his friends should not seize political power and govern in the way they find most advantageous to themselves. For myself the philosophy of meaninglessness was essentially an instrument for liberation, sexual, and political.”
If you do no believe this is an agenda of terrible consequences of course you are up to your interpretation. It is free to oppose as any thought should be. Yet, I beg you heed these wise words by Dorthy Sayers, “In this world, there is a view that’s called total tolerance, but in hell it is called despair. It is the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, enjoys nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing. Why? Because there is nothing for which it could die for.”
Meaning that all our efforts eventually turn into dust and nothingness. Alan Watts has the greatest explanation for that which seems to be the true essence our consciousness and our true reality (perhaps)
And the truth is that the nothingness is not in reality absence of anything it is the unity of everything. We perceive it as nothingness because within our consciousness is the nothingness and with which we have nothing to compare it to.
But the idea that life is truly meaningless cannot be lived because it creates confusion and collision between the different faculties of the consciousness. You have a corrosion of the psychological, of the emotional, of the philosophical.
The best explanation for this are the following:
What is this plague, this germ which, like the tubercle bacillus,
lurks within, waiting for the victim’s strength to sink
below a certain level so that it may strike?
It is not a new organism. It ravages were predicted
by certain seers of the nineteenth century.
Melville and Hawthorne, Nietzsche and Marx,
Dostoievsky and Kafka all saw it coming in one form or another.
Its actual appearances have been described in some detail
by contemporary poets and painters, playwrights and novelists.
There were and are a few theologians at work on the bacterium,
but for the most part of examination and analysis
are taking place in the secular laboratories.
The germ has a very simple name: meaninglessness.
And the conditions under which is strikes are well known:
when one raises or is confronted by the ultimate questions
about live, about the purpose and meaning of existence,
and discovers that there are no answers;
no answers, that is, that can be believed.
Life seems pointless and empty,
rather cruel and even a little mad.
[William Graham Cole The Restless Quest of Modern Man
(New York: Oxford UP, 1966) p. 7]
As well as this magnificent quotation; “The new rebel in our time is a skeptic and will not entirely trust anything, and therefore he has no loyalty, and he can’t even be a revolutionary. The fact that he doubts everything, and he must doubt everything, bars his way when he wants to denounce anything. For all denunciations implies a moral doctrine, and you can’t believe in moral doctrine if all things are meaningless. The modern revolutionary doubts not only the institution that he denounces but the doctrine of moral truth by which he denounces it. As a politician he will cry out that war is a waste of life yet, as a philosopher he has to admit that all life is a waste of time. In short, the modern revolutionary, being an infinite skeptic, which he must be, is always engaged in undermining his own mind. In his books on politics he attacks persons for trampling on morality, but in his books on ethics he attacks morality for trampling on persons. Therefore the modern rebel has become practically useless for all purposes of revolt by rebelling against everything, he has lost he right to rebel against anything.”
“There is a kind of thought that stops thought and that is the only kind of thought that ought to be stopped.”
Sartre famously said, “It is forbidden to forbid.” But this is circular logic because even that is a method of forbidding!
And even still from another viewpoint of the dangers of the adoption of the need for absolute freedom rendering meaninglessness is given by C.S. Lewis in which he states, “If there is no answers, if there is no creator, if there is nothing that is really true, when you are in love you must remember that only a psychopharmalogical reaction in your brain is happening. There is no such thing as love. You may enjoy music but you have to realize it is only a biological reaction; beauty and ugliness, cruelty and compassion are totally subjective, not real, all in your brain synapses. You may still, in the lowest sense, have a ‘good time’; but just as far in as it becomes a very good time, just in so far, as it ever threatens to push you out of cold sensuality and into real warmth and enthusiasm, and joy,you will be forced to feel the hopeless disharmony between your own emotions and the very universe you really live in.”
Much of these quotations have been taking from the following video. I am not promoting Christianity. I am promoting intellectual inquiry. I am promoting that people read the bible and leave the interpretation up to the individual instead of simply placing judgement out of this you have heard about it. I would also encourage all of you to question why the system in itself as become so dogmatic. All parts of the whole are dogmatic towards the direction of meaningless. If it so that we do not take the time to search within ourselves for the true meaning? Perhaps! I encourage you to read every philosophical, spiritual, religious, and scientific text you can find. It is only upon true self meditation and inquiry that we really find ourselves and our meaning. I will tell you one belief of which I am very dogmatic about and that is the belief in compassion and love. I truly believe that if everyone loved one another as they loved themselves the power of love would conquer us all. But remember if it is simply all meaningless for your desire of absolute freedom even love and compassion are merely up to subjective interpretation.
Life can be cruel or life can be kind. It will give you some of each from time to time. I often try and remain in the light. But I am drawn by both the dark and the light. It seems the absolute apex of each are conceivable within me, within each of us. I try not to speak about the things I loathe about myself or my life or others because it doesn’t do much good to make the negativity become stronger with the words. Yet, when it rains it pours and in truth life is not so much about what is happening to you and more about how you let it affect you. There are times when a person feels so absolutely beaten down by the world, by life, by everything that they can hardly see circumstances changing for the better and can only contemplate that ending it all would be the only true solution to suffice. There is much debate within myself as to whether it is ultimately the most selfish thing a person can do or perhaps the least selfish especially when you factor in the exponential growth in our population as a species.
My perception of the world, as with anyone else, has obviously been altered by time and experience. When I was a child I thought everything was big and everything was possible and magic at that. I believed love would save everyone and I believed in peace and compassion. Those things still matter to me and there is a part of me, the part driven by the light that still believes that and burns with brilliant bright white hot desire to achieve them. But the darker side of me wants to reminisce over the pain, the suffering, the struggle, the loss, the guilt, the shame, and the abuse I have endured. It wants me to remember how unhappy I am with the majority of my time. How unsatisfied, ashamed, and disappointed I have become with myself and it pushes me towards the end. Yet, thankfully though I still have a spark of the light always that keeps me hungry for more.
I don’t think anything in our lives ever gets easier and perhaps even for a while things become harder until eventually we just understand better how to deal with situations. Experience the greatest teacher it’s excellent for creating understanding and reactionary patterns to situations. So nothing really becomes easier, one simply becomes more aware of the proper handling of things.
Sometimes it takes people years, decades, and even entire lifetimes to learn a single lesson. But we can hope that eventually they will reach an understanding. I am the type of person doomed (at least for the most part) to learn the “hard way”. I often wish I could break myself of this.
I also wish I could break myself of my over-analysis of everything, my procrastination, my obvious pride issues, and my self-loathing wallowing. I’m an advocate for change. It’s the only way to mold yourself into a new shape, shade, hue. Experience and alterations to the inner psyche as a result of them is one of the only, if only, sure fire ways to create progress.
It is very true that if you can change your thoughts you can change your life and it does seem like such a trivial slogan type motivational effort but there is great truth to it. Our thoughts are who we are. What we think about ourselves, we become. It’s why you cannot let the dark win.
I know that I must learn from my experience and I know that I must change the way I am currently seeing my situation. If I don’t like it here so much and all I want to do is leave then I need to do that. I have spent nearly the last three years in Salem trying to get on my feet. Trying to pay off debts and save money in the process and for a while I was too giving of my time and money and I finally learned that lesson the “hard way”. After that the bills just became so high that I wasn’t really saving anything even when I did try. So I had to stop paying. Now I barely have over a hundred dollars in my possession after nearly three months of work at the Shitbrickhouse. It was a horrid affair that job but I believe we have to do things we do not so much want or like to do to become or to do the things we want. It took me a while to finally realize that to be a hard fact of life.
This town has lost it’s final light for me. I see no reason to stay. Everything I have tried to build for myself here always crumbles and that’s okay because in all honesty I’m not supposed to be here. I didn’t belong here even when I was a kid I knew I was destined for different things. I never thought I would return here. Yet, I have, time and time again, repeatedly for almost five years now. The topsy-turvy trial and error system I have established within this town is surely going to kill me.
And honestly it isn’t really that life is crueler or kinder to any lot of people. Life is what you make it. It isn’t really fair or unfair. It is chance. I think every good and bad will and can eventually balance out. They need each other to exist in this reality. We only know one because of the other.
My life has been one of extreme highs and lows but it wouldn’t matter what was happening to me for it to seem that way to me. I am just that way. I am exceptionally light and I am exceptionally dark. I relate to and understand only the truth in the essence of the extremeness of each because I am so extraordinarily both.
I am idealistic and nostalgic. I believe in the power of hope, faith, and love. I believe that good thoughts create good words and good deeds which create a chain reaction of good surrounding. I enjoy reminiscing over times that have passed me by and people whom I may never see again but will always remain alive in my heart. I am also analytical, cynical, and skeptical. I am a seeker of truth. I will go over how something could have been, how I could have made a different choice and all the what if’s in the world but not a single second of those thoughts really matter because the past is just that. Gone. Driven far enough away out of reach, passed us on the highway of life with its many curves, speed bumps, and potholes and its many hills and twists, and turns. Life is simply a ride of chance.
Whether things are predestined or chance anyway we are here in the now and that’s what matters and to focus on what could have been or what can be is only good if you can be content to change the very moment you are breathing in and exhale into the next.
Changes for the better can and must occur in my life and soon but I must create them. I can no longer idly stand by and contemplate all the things or ways I am currently doing wrong. I must just halt that process and make room for the right. Make room for the good, the better and the best.
I know I am a person with many strengths and also many weaknesses. I am honestly fairly aware of both spectrums of myself. I try to be aware and try and build my life and choices around them. I know that security and structure are what I most need in my life right now and while I may be provided a house right now, this is not the structure or security that I need any longer. I have to make change by simply doing. The thoughts and the writings reiterating them will do nothing if I do nothing.
And that’s life for you. If you don’t like something change it. Change how you feel about it. Do something. Yes it is easier said than done but it must be done or no progress or growth can commence.
It’s bizarre though how I somehow believe being from Salem is a gift all its own. The people and friends I have come to know and love from this town are truly inspirational, enriching, intelligent, creative, and funny. But on the other side of things this town is full of a wickedness as well. It is a place much like a black hole dying to ingest you and forever refrain from your release.
Yet, growing up here and being so deeply culturally repressed like most of the Midwest creates a very special breed of person. It either breeds more pathetic drones who blindly do as simple is and “always will be” and just lap up the milk of the mundane or it creates a particular artistic mind and intellect unique because of the unusually perceptive nature they have for seeing things as they are rather than as they are told. It’s a brilliant skepticism and intrigue for the exteriors of the small town. And the small town is full of gossip, hatred, betrayal, lies, and even much more ghastly things but it is also full of certain examples of true neighborliness born out of true concern, again we and all things have both light and dark.
When I think about the fact of the human psyche having such great light and darkness within themselves I am reminded of Brand New’s album “The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me” and it may be just that simple, that we have given names, faces, and personalities to our dual nature, to our light (God) and to our dark (Satan). Yet, it could also be that they are true creatures watching above and below us but my intellect tells me otherwise.
We are nothing more than a manifestation of our own thoughts and that is why if we want to change ourselves, our lives, the world; we must first change our thoughts. And so I try to focus on the light even when it’s raining cats and dogs and it seems nothing but the shadow of the sun is in sight. I believe in the power of positivity as well as negativity.
With everything that has happened over the past five years I have honestly learned a lot. I have learned how to better deal with death and grief. I have learned how to let go. I have learned that being alone really isn’t the worst possible outcome. I have learned that sometimes the best way to forgive someone is to stop all contact and just live and let live. I have learned that some people can’t and don’t want to be saved. I have learned that it’s not my job to save them. I have learned that anything worthwhile takes time. Trust is fragile, earned, and absolutely everything. I have learned that all people no matter the culture, age, race, etc. their deepest motivations are all the same, which are of understanding, acceptance, and love.
It isn’t just the mere fact that we as individuals have so many problems but as a whole species we are suffering and leaving disaster in our wake as we overpopulate the planet that is slowly becoming hotter and more polluted. I feel so selfish sometimes when I think about my problems compared to the rest of the worlds, how someone else always has it better and worse than I do. The scattered stands of life’s struggle surrounding us we must still embrace the light.
We must build an economy based on our deepest motivations. People only really desire wealth and power because they have no idea how to gain those things in the absence of either or both. Doctors should be doctors because they are driven with passion to cure the sick not cash out on their illness. Bankers should invest because they believe in something not because the economy is based on debt for debt. Teachers should be teachers because they desire to help others learn. The pharmaceutical companies should embrace cures rather than prescriptions to merely dull the side effects so they can make bank off the world’s diseases. Your job should be your passion. Everyone has talents and efforts they can utilize and put forth for the betterment of the whole. Dream this dream for me.
People should care less about appearance and more about character. People should seek to understand instead of judge, “because everyone is fighting a hard battle”. People should embrace change and do the most with what’s available to them. We should be grateful for the moments, the people, and the things we do have instead of pondering and wishing on the moments, people, and things we don’t. Dream this dream for me too.
I feel like for the most part people are both very selfish and selfless. They can be either. We can choose which path to take. There are moments where in all honesty it is better to be selfish and then of course there are numerous reasons to invoke the other. We are duality. We exist in a realm of duality. We must always attempt to keep them in balance.
There was much more personal account of my life addressed in the previous version of the above text but I have removed them because I don’t really care to share and I honestly don’t know what’s driving me to write all this as if I have things figured out. I don’t. Everyday is a struggle. I still try and maintain a positive outlook. Today I filled out my fafsa again. I don’t think I can survive another year just hopelessly searching for the right job when none of them will ever be the right job. I need an education. I feel like I cannot function at my true potential unless I get one. Another part of me thinks what a load of bullshit that is. Why should I put myself in deeper debt in the hope that upon my returning to school things will be different, that my perception has changed, that I won’t feel like just another loose strand in the system, another drone.
I see so many things in life that I enjoy that I just want to eat and drink up. So many things inspire me but at the very same time so many things entangle me in some sort of mixture of despair and madness. I don’t know sometimes I feel far too idealistic for this reality. Funny thing is it’s also my idealism that keeps me alive and believing that change is possible. I think its the prospect of change that keeps us going and also at other times leaves us shaking. We become so comfortable with certain habits, people, things, and the mere notion that something could alter that in even the slightest way can become so horrifying. In contrast for someone in my position when I feel at some instances that I am merely coasting along through this existence, change is all I can hope for. And the question of what if’s and what is and what does any of this mean? If it means anything. What is it to have meaning? Do lives have meaning? Sometimes I see these words and these questions and I just think well we’ve pretty much just put everything into nice little categories called words. Stuff and things. What’s the difference? How different the world would seem without language, without time. The concept of time is so ridiculous to me. It should merely consist of two instance (alive, dead) but we are observers and we study the stars and the seasons and the movement of the earth around the sun and we say this is day, and this that follows is night.
No wait, that was God. God said let there be light and there was light. And he called the light day and the darkness he called night.
Why did God who was infinite, omnipresent, and just absolute everything feel the need to name anything? If we are created? Why! If not, where does that leave us? In one great big adventure. But I feel like we could have had it so much better had society never happened. I see the benefits but sometimes I just want to crawl back in the womb. That’s a disorder. I’m not sure which but I know it is. I love my mom she’s a real nice lady. She’s smart and pretty too. But she’s put me through a lot of hardship but she also waited on me hand and foot for a good portion of my life. She did suffer through labor for me and then sat in a hospital chair for nearly the first year of my life. All alone at just 22. When I think about how I would reaction in that situation, how on earth I would be able to be responsible for another life when I’m still two years later feeling like a child myself. The older I become the more courageous it seems to me. I look back at my own life in retrospect and think geeze how did she do it. How did she raise two girls on her own, until I was nine and Courtney six. I find it so astonishingly perplexing and inspiring that truly the mere fact that there was ever one person in this world that would have taken the chance that she did on me, well then I might as well keep going. I might as well make the most out of this existence. Whether there is no meaning even at the end of all things.
The human connection (it’s pretty much the same thing as the rainbow connection only flesh colored), is ultimately all we really know. In so many ways the connection that I am most familiar with would be greatly broken if we didn’t have language. I’m sure there would be other means of communication. I think that’s really what is it. Even today in our postmodern hypercritical society we still want our damned ideas out there so bad. So much so that we will go as far as to write nasty things about others just to get our opinion out, in the hopes that somebody, anybody will bite. Well I say chew on this; even in all of my cynicism and skepticism (which I do have a lot of) I never try to gain pleasure out of the misfortune or pain of other. To me that is the most inhuman action one can do. For me, we as humans are really all there is and we may only get this life so why would you try to give somebody more grief than they have already given themselves?
And if I know anything about cynics, they are the one’s that need lovin’ the most!
Peace out ladies and gentlemen of the visible world I hope you enjoyed my transparency.
Sunday March 24th
I haven’t written. I’m not going to apologize again. A lot has happened. A lot has manifested itself from thought to reality. A lot is still the same. I’m still suspended in place. Feeling a little more comfortable though. Actually, I’m not at all sure that comfortable is the right word. I guess I am just starting to see the reason in the circumstance. And really appreciating every bit of time I have. You know how they say it’s really all about being present and in the moment. It seems a pretty solid way to go.
I’ve been composing beats on fruity loops. Sipping coffee and smoking the occasional cancer stick. I was going to say something about how “I had Bukowski on my mind”, which I do. All the time it seems now. It’s a Good Life lyric. It’s more real to me now.
I saw a YouTube comment the other day on a Cyndi Lauper video. It was either “When You Were Mine” or “Time After Time”. They had commented that they remember listening to that particular album over and over when they were thirteen and then eventually coming to know all of the feelings that she talk about. And she thanked her mother for that.
I think about music a lot. There is something so intrinsically valuable in it that words cannot express. Only music begets music. It’s something of the heart and of the soul. I think we are music. Art.
Expression of life in our human form. As we are. and As we were. I’m not concerned with perception anymore. It’s a form of reality all it’s own and it will be nevertheless so I except it. I feel more alive for it.
I talk a lot about confusion. Most of us are in a state of confusion. Whether chronic or fleeting. It has a certain looming presence. At least in my generation.
Everything is everywhere all at once. There is so much to absorb. They say children are like sponges. I still feel like a child. In many ways I am. I am always feeling so in between everything. Not to be defined so quickly.
We’ve reached a time where there is no such they are counter culture. All culture has a audience. All culture has advocates everywhere. And the mainstream is the conglomerated combination of all the past counterculture movements.
I feel a lot of it is just simply a style and not a true express of oneself.
I do feel that fashion can be a true expression of oneself however, it seems the truth is lost in all the seemingly sameness.
Yet, everyone is just a bizarre little fiber in this fabric.
A couple of weeks ago I got really drunk and wouldn’t you know I made some bad decisions. It’s so darkly humerus to me that alcohol remains the legal drug of choice. I’m not advocating drugs. I just know from experience that there are far better things than alcohol.There are far better things than drugs. But to be honest I think certain people need to partake to truly understand. Kinda like the lesson must be learned the ‘hard way’.
I’m just very experiential. I believe our existence is our purpose. We define it. We decide. The freewill. You get what you put into it. You get the life, the love, the death, you feel you deserve.
We are what we think. It’s been said time and time again. Yet, that is only a mere fraction of who we are. We are the people we talk to. We are the things we do, see, say, touch, feel, smell. The experience.
We are us.
Us is we.
It’s almost nonsensical.
Always the fine line.
Humans are always striving for some time of understanding. But I hear it’s better to understand than to be understood. I used to think I agreed and truly understood that ha! I didn’t.
The older I get the more things fit into place for me. I guess things really do just kinda fall into place. Eventually. One way or the other you have to decide. Either this is good or this is bad or it’s neither and what are you going to do about it.
Love succeeds everything. Even in the magic of fairy tales it is true love’s kiss that can make or break any spell. It is the most powerful of all magic. It’s more than magic.
Love is the state we are so desirous of. Yet, you cannot go chasing after it. It will find you when you have found yourself.
Slowly but surely love will unravel all the layers you have covered yourself in. Whether for protection or for strength or out of confusion.
Love helps you discover more compassion for the world than anything else will.
You know it’s what the world needs now and always has.
I have long missed the days when I used to just type at my computer into my myspace blog without an ounce of proofing or editing and just submit it for the cosmos.
There was something so innocent about my expression of self then. So pure. My mind was sad, compassionate, and delicate but it didn’t truly comprehend the world.
As I have grown with age the world and society make a little more sense. Yes, I said it. Society.
Things are the way they are. Like I said. You must either except this or change this. But you can.
There is no mountain or tree too big to climb
There is no trench or pain to deep too overcome
Every moment is a chance. To turn around. To change direction. To stay the same. To live.
But back to the YouTube comment. It made me feel so nostalgic about the music I have come across and come to adore over the years.
I remember at three years old I was obsessed with Ozzy Osborn and Mötley Crüe.
By six I was onto my own hand me down vinyl collection of Motown. The Jackson Five and The Supremes being my favorites.
By eight I had cassettes. Again hand me downs. They were prince, and Blondie, and Cyndi Lauper.
And later I got some Britney Spears.
I believe I was in forth grade when I go my first cd. Which was the first *Nync record. My sister and I had picked it out together.
After that I bought all of Michael Jackson’s cd’s. And my mother gave me more hand me downs.
Then I got into Bright Eyes,The Strokes, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, Brand New. The Shins.
By the time I had started high school I had my own computer and started downloading most of my music.
My taste was forever altered when I turned sixteen years old and my friend Kancy Robison bought me Sergent Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.
My perceptions of the world had really been opened. I started listening to Dylan. He became my favorite of all time. Where MJ once stood.
To this day I have three vinyls that I hold dearly high above all else.
Blonde On Blonde, Thriller, and Some Nights.
While I am so completely compelled to Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osborn because of the three year old inside of me that was once absolutely obsessed still resides inside of me. While I am still entranced by Motown and Michael Jackson’s voice. While Morrissey seems to understand my bittersweet melancholy more than anyone else and how the music of The Smiths seems such the literal musical translation of his lyrics. And while Conor Oberst is still that reaching, outstretching, suffering, hopelessly hopeful creature that is a huge portion of my heart. Or While The Strokes awaken such nostalgia and good feelings of yesteryear and how the lyrics mean more now and are better understood as I am now then as I were. While Dylan remains the greatest and will always stand there for me. The times do change. But sometimes the change creates such a sense of sameness.
I found out about a month ago that Dylan used to beat his wife Sara. It would be a lie if I didn’t say it broke my heart a little. It really did. But it would also be a lie if I didn’t tell you that a part of me understands the torment.
A friend told me there was an encyclopedia at his university that was about four inches thick on Bob Dylan. We were both memorized at the thought of this.
How does one get a four inch encyclopedia written about their life and their craft?
I mean it’s easy to see how Bob Dylan has it. It would be easy to see that people are compelled to write about it. Music is so intrinsically valuable to the human’s understanding of himself and everything else.
When you master a craft like Dylan. But the truth is Dylan hated the fame. He has said all he could be was “me, whatever that is” and it’s true. We find it so astounding, people artist expressing themselves.
Morrissey is so humble about his work. He doesn’t understand how it could have affect so many people. How it has sustained their life for longer.
But good art does not merely mimic life. It creates life. It breeds new beliefs. New understanding. New inspiration. New purpose. New Meaning.
But the artist doesn’t see the true value of his work in the same way that others do.
I think the best way to be understanding and not to worry about being understood is to just express and let the others have their perceptions about you and your works.
And listen with an open mind and a closed mouth.
The best conversationalist are those who can listen first and speak later.
I think the artist in us all observes and listens carefully and then makes little comments in our art. In our lives.
My dad told me once that Dylan said all he really wanted was that white picket fence.
The 1950’s idealism of the American Dream that never really existed that we are still striving to return to that has never really been.
Yes there were times where some people were safer and didn’t have to worry about enemies for the most part. But much of the world had it’s own enemies merely by birth. And that is an injustice.
So the world is always in a state of confusion. Not just me. Not just this generation. We are always seeking that understanding.
Everyone is a seeker in one way or the other. Some seek fame which is useless and futile. Some seek love but will not find it for their search. Some seek forgiveness and we must oblige if they ask. Some seek answers and for them gradually the picture becomes clearer. But we all seek understanding and acceptance.
These needs do no go away with age. The reality of it is the more you understand the more you can accept and the more you accept the more accepted you can become.
“And you should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living cause it’s the ones with the sorest throats, Laura, who have done the most singing. Everybody!”
There are times when I really struggle to get out of bed. I’m in a total state of dysania. “Everybody hurts sometimes.”
There are times where I awake without any effort and get up and the day feels alive and brilliant to me and I feel it run through me. ‘Today is the greatest of them all, can’t live for tomorrow. Tomorrow’s much too long”.
Music and art are necessary to sustain our existence at this point and anyone who would say anything to the contrary I would have extreme doubt that they were human at all.
So it’s been quite a while tumblr. It’s a long time coming. But I miss the space here.
I wanted to submit the piano riff I am currently working on in fruity loops. I’m still a beginner but I think it’s pretty and it speaks to my heart strings.
My internet service provider, which is also the internet service provider for several other individuals within this nation was acting amiss today. Someone presented a metaphor trying to explain to a coworker of mine that the internet was like water and the service provider was the pump to the well. They exclaimed that the well was full and the pump was working but the water was being pump elsewhere.
What? Where is the internet going? Ha. It made me also think Y2K and the possibility that perhaps our estimations were just a little over a decade off. Huh…who knew. Y2K always makes me think of other conspiracies like the end of the world. If that is to happen are we right or wrong about our best guesses thus far? I don’t know if I believe in any of that mumbo-jumbo but it’s interesting to think about. It’s also interesting to think about how little I have written this year, for being my greatest passion I sure have shown it little limelight.
In fact, it saddens me how little I have created. I have worked more consistently this year but I have also played equally consistently. Yet, I have rendered my creativity very minimally.
Endlessly I feel half exhaustion, half ecstasy, in every inhale and every exhalation. So in conclusion, what is real to you, what is illusion?
It’s 3.06 am. I could still get plenty of sleep if I could fall back asleep now. I’m not sure why I cannot sleep more than two hours at a time. My mind won’t let me slumber so I’m here typing on tumblr. Lately, things have been a little confusing, a little frustrating but I’m still pressing on as positively as I can.
I’m missing certain people and not sure or confident in the outcome of communication. I feel the limbo taking hold. Speaking of limbo, I am two time winner of the Saturday Roadhouse Limbo, which is not much of a surprise considering I am exactly five foot. Some say it’s cheating but I say that short people must have advantages in at least one sport…or game…what have you.
I have got to gather myself and writing is and has always been my most sacred of releases. It’s a real shame how I have gone so long without writing more than three sentences.
Overwhelmed is the atmosphere of my current existence. I’m happy to say I have maintained two jobs since February and have slowly but surly been putting some money back. I got to see Bright Eyes in Saint Louis at The Pageant just last week and it was definitely the highlight of this summer thus far. My friend Stevi and I are going to do our best to finally try out for American Idol. I’m still not sure what song I want to perform.
I feel things growing and dying all around me. I feel so inspired one moment and then completely unaware or unattached to my surroundings. I am told that my limbo state is a fine state and natural state to be in at my age. I’m still unsure. I rest un-assured ahha. That is if I can rest.
I have done a lot of thinking about the perceived permanence of certain feelings or relationships. It is most certainly part of my confusion and frustration. I wish I had the proper words gathered for every amount of feeling I need to express, but I give you what I feel; instantly, unedited, and transparent.
I’m unwilling to yield all of my emotion to the wimps of another human. It scares me, the idea of needing rather than wanting, especially, in regards to relationships. I am afraid of being left so I leave but it is not that simple.
I wonder if I have any talent left in any part of my body? My introspection as of late has been more of highs and lows then I feel are usual. But that could be a lie. I could always feel this way every day and forget each night. You know, “I’ve slept since then”.
Where to begin? It has been a very long time since I have added anything of real substance to this blog and I am not sure what follows will be that either. Over the past few years I have tried to maintain a fairly up-to-date online account of my life with every last juicy detail. I doubt that anyone really cares. In all honesty, the writing was always for myself. It was always very therapeutic. It continues to be so but my time on the internet has been in strange bursts and such that keeping up with myself both online and offline started to become difficult.
I moved from Missouri to Ohio through the desperation of a friend. She talks in sparkles about life. I used to feel a certain aura of magic surrounding her. I’ve lost that. It’s strange what life can do. It’s always changing. Always rearranging. I learned a lot about myself all the while I was there. Now, having returned, I can reflect upon all the things that occurred before Ohio, during Ohio, and after Ohio.
I don’t care how I sound when I say I love Missouri. I have nothing against Ohio. I have no regret. I have wished things could have ended differently but I feel that nothing is placed in ones life that they cannot handle. A large part of me is inspired by the events that took place there. Inspired to change myself. To be more productive and happier, naturally.
I guess Ohio was just a boiling point for me. I could only withstand so much. I could only sit back and observe so much. It was the last straw. I have always believed that everything happening has a purpose whether that purpose is clear of cloudy, it is most definitely there. Ohio was a trip.
So I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I have finally remembered certain aspects of myself that I had forgotten or neglected for some time. I’m a much happier person and I am seeing what I was meant to see in all of my encounters with others. Somebody always has something to teach you.
And in reaquanting myself with a more sunnier disposition I have been able to forgive myself and forgive others. I’m not scared of making mistakes anymore. I am no longer afraid of failure. All I really want to do is to live, to experience, and to learn. I have decided that I want to go back to school. I am sure of that as well as what I want to do with my life.
While that may change I doubt that my recent realizations will. I have taken so many ‘backwards’ steps to get here but I feel refreshed. And with all of that I may write here and there. I may write often. I’m just not going to promise anything.
I want to start a blog about independent film and music. I want the concept to be concrete and interesting. So I’m going to try and focus most of my time and energy on making all the goals I want to accomplish in my life happen. While writing about how great things could be was really great, I’d like to have something great to write about.
I’m not saying that my life has been worth nothing up to this point or that is was uninteresting up to this point because those are both sever underestimations however, now is a time in my life when I need to focus on the now instead of the past or the future. No more retelling, reflecting, or imagining. I want to make things happen. When I accomplish you will hear about it. That I promise.
Loneliness and I aren’t friends. Neither of us understood the other. We argued for hours over the most minimal issues. It brings a strange smile to my face now. I just wish he was still around.
I’m breaking down like never before. Sold my soul to get comfortable and now it’s fading and I’m feeling cold again.
I want to hold you but I hold back. What a strange sense of oxygen What a strange moron I am.
I’m terrible insane honestly in every way.
Look in my eyes tell me otherwise you know you’ll lie eventually
evidently, I’m unusual. I despise perception believed to be concrete there is nothing concrete you little strange ones who believe that nothing can be changed will always be just enough
the enemy of the best is JUST ENOUGH
I’m so ill my stomach churns when I think of your satisfaction in the mundane
well go walk in your everyday glory it will fade today or the next nonetheless sooner than later you will see eye for eye shall never reign again we live and bleed in different times
it’s more complex it’s a sad fact that most of you cannot see this but when it come down it it
loneliness and I were never friends I don’t want to die alone I think about future plans and such and it makes me so anxious at times but I inhale that next breath like it’s my last because at any moment I could move or leave this earth.
I don’t need judgement but neither do you so shut that door and open anew
I write this to tell you what I know my lord how the times have changed and keep changing so nothing ever seems as good or as bad as it truly was so take it in, soak it up, and let the good times roll.
I’m addicted baby, you can fill the rest in. It’s better if you don’t know. I don’t need judgement but neither do you so shut that door and open anew
I just nod, I’ve never been so good at shaking hands I live on the frozen surface of a fireball Where cities come together, to hate each other in the name of sport America, nothing is ever just how you plan I looked up to you but you thought I would look the other way
And you hear, what you want to hear And they take what they want to take don’t be sad, won’t ever happen like this anymore So whens it coming? This life’s new great movement that I can join The warning here Your faith has got to be greater than your fear
Forgive them even if they are not sorry All the vultures, bootleggers at the door waiting [ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/JFo2 ] Your are looking for your own voice, but your nervous While it leaves you trapped in another dimension
Drop your guard, you don’t have to be smart all of the time I got a mind full of blanks I need to go somewhere new fast And don’t be shy, oh no, at least deliberately No one really cares or wanders why anymore Oh I got music, coming outta my hands and feet and kisses That is how it once was done All the dreamers on the run
Forgive them even if they are not sorry All the vultures, bootleggers at the door waiting Were so quick to point out our own flaws in others Complicated, man was on the wings of robots If you believe in this world your not inviting me But don’t think that yet, to the top, now know what to do
Gambling is an interesting concept especially with regards to life. What does your life mean to you? Do you feel like you are living up to your true potential? Do you feel as if you could be more, do more, see more? If so why aren’t you? Is it that risk that is involved that both tantalizes and scares you? Yeah, yes! Duh! I have absolutely no purpose for fear in my life and yet I have absolutely without a doubt been a victim to it. Fear of speaking out about how I truly feel, fear about driving which is pretty ridiculous I guess, fear of letting go, of accepting myself and others as they are, fear of failure and on and on to name a few and sometimes I leave this place a fear briefly and make totally and completely irrational decisions based solely on the fact that I feel a lingering need for change because this cozy comfy couch just ain’t kickin’ it no more. And in that I would like to introduce two different lyrical concepts on the topic of gambling. Whether in life or in a game or whether you believe life is just a game you do have to know how to play. That’s the icky sticky fun part, the experience. The melodramatic bullcrap that we call all just sit and laugh about over a nice cup of coffee or whatever else floats your boat. But I digress and now introduce the songs. The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers)
“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em,know when to walk away, and know when to run.You never count your money, when your sittin’ at the table.There’ll be plenty of time for countin’, when the dealin’s done.” and The Gambler by fun.
I’m just going to include the entire lyrics because I am so in love with this song…it is never ending.
Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazyAll the kids are grown from babies into flowers in our eyesWe’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the gardenI don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective heartsIt was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eyeAnd you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to danceI knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a roseI will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonelyFor even if the sun stops waking up over the fieldsI will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s on timeSo just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side It was the winter of ‘86, all the fields had frozen overSo we moved to Arizona to save our only sonAnd now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his motherHe believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughterShe has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are grayAnd just like him she never stops, never takes the day for grantedWorks for everything that’s handed to her, never once complained You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you awayBut like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago’Til this day, you swore you’d be here ‘til we decide that it’s our timeBut it’s not time, you never quit in all your lifeSo just take my hand and know that I will never leave your sideYou’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eyeYou curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is oursSo we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grownAnd the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire
—————————————————————————————————————————————————I guess what true assessment to myself and to others is finding what it is in life that is worth the gamble. There is so much out there to gain and all of that but what is it at the very end of the day that you think about? What is your tireless desires that you never lay to rest not even in your dreams? Mine has a lot to do with love but i’m not sure in what form or from whom. I just know that love is real and truly all we really need. It is what all of our spirits are most hungry for. Yet, I am unsure of the ways and means but I have faith and that’s saying a lot!And I’m a gambler, I gotta be. God Bless!
In all honesty, I cannot wait for what tomorrow has in store for me. Not just the next day but all of eternity. I am so enlightened by the mere fact of existence that I could absolutely explode. I am seeing stars. I am conceiving plans from my dreams so bright, so bright they sting. I feel so inspired and positive and motivated and ambitious and just all together awesome that I want all of the world to feel me.
Feel how hot I am to touch. Saver how sweet I am to taste. Notice how bold I am to hear. Inhale how comforting I smell. And visualize how intricate I must be. I must be and you must be. And you are me. You are me.
Everything that surrounds from here on out is exactly what I want. If I feel insane eventually for making the same mistakes I’ll retract and retreat and start it all over until I learn until I can fly without wings
I’m really really really happy right now. I think I have finally come full circle. I am starting to understand myself and what my personal journey and purpose have meant.
I am realizing who I am and what I’m about.
I feel so whole, so content, so complete, so worry free. I am feeling all burdens vanish into air. I am exhaling my long held breath. I’m letting it all out and taking it all in.
All of this is stream of consciousness. All of this is truth that is alive within me. I am so incredibly inspired that it is difficult to just sit here and not wake everyone I know up with the good news. That life is so beautiful, so ephemeral, so pure and potent. Nothing can replace a single second. Each moment so precious and well defined. I will never let go of anyone at anytime. If you need me. I’ll be there.
“Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter. Togetherness, girl it’s all I’m after. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there.”
I just made my cat do a hand stand. I want you all to know that I love you. All of you. Each and every single one. No more and no less. Well truth be told I might care more for certain folks more than most but that’s earned ever so slowly and gracefully.
I love human interaction and realizing the connection we all share within a conversation whether brief or long. Just that moment, that second, you know you belong. Right exactly where you are at this point in time. Nothing matters but the present. So be as big as you wish or as tall as you dream. Be a monster, a princess, a prom or drag queen. Be a cashier, a waitress, a secretary, a model. Be bold, be in charge, be excited, and zesty. Hold true to your truth to your intuition and your feelings. Know what your heart’s true desire is and do your damnedest to fulfill it.
No good deed goes unpunished. By friends I am turning twenty one in three days. I’m a little nervous but by all accounts I am excited. This weekend and this year are going to be righteous to the maximum. I want all bad vibes to be put behind us now. I want only good to linger.
So have whatever dish you wish to dine with and any girl or boy you choose. Because in the end you have absolutely nothing but you fears to lose.
Let go of your fears. They are only holding you back. Let the good times roll. Let the music play. Sing along to every song you know. Stop being so cautious with ever single word or thought. Provoke the world to imagine a better way And do it. Do it to it.
If you cannot expect to understand and be the ever living example of everything you wish to exist and be complete and right then you will never see it exist. For something you desire to be manifested it must first enter this world in you. Through you and by you.
Gandhi rocked it like no other “Be the change you wish to see in the world”
So be happy be healthy be inspired and free Show the world the best example of ME
And if at a moment of despair do not fret “for this too shall pass” All moments are spectacular and individual we are to live to experience so impress what you love and rid your mind, body, and spirit of the rest.
May you all have the courage to be what it is you really want to be and not be held back by the gloved hand of a master you cannot see. If none of this is real and if all of it is fake then does that mean that we are all just pretending to exist?
Regardless of this or that We are alive to soak up everything we can And I am the sponge I want wisdom, I want truth, I want knowledge, I want conversation, I want connection, I want satisfaction from the inner working out.
Wake up Wake up Wake up and smell your own stink Rid your mind, body, and spirit of all you do not regard as ‘right’ but remember it is best first to put a finger in the water to try and understand a temperature
What of everything you know? What of everything you don’t?
Teach me something, I have five or more senses with which I can intake all you have to share.
Love life because life is love and love is life. Love is Life is And you are. We are.
I guess to be truthful and frank and so on I just love being alive and sometimes I forget how delicious it is to partake of air. To be able to breath and to be alive. I forget how awesome it is to have all opportunity available even though they can seem so far. There is no truth so honest as the truth within oneself.
Have a night or have a day whenever you read this, have it your way.