It’s 3.06 am. I could still get plenty of sleep if I could fall back asleep now. I’m not sure why I cannot sleep more than two hours at a time. My mind won’t let me slumber so I’m here typing on tumblr. Lately, things have been a little confusing, a little frustrating but I’m still pressing on as positively as I can.

I’m missing certain people and not sure or confident in the outcome of communication. I feel the limbo taking hold. Speaking of limbo, I am two time winner of the Saturday Roadhouse Limbo, which is not much of a surprise considering I am exactly five foot. Some say it’s cheating but I say that short people must have advantages in at least one sport…or game…what have you.

I have got to gather myself and writing is and has always been my most sacred of releases. It’s a real shame how I have gone so long without writing more than three sentences.

Overwhelmed is the atmosphere of my current existence. I’m happy to say I have maintained two jobs since February and have slowly but surly been putting some money back. I got to see Bright Eyes in Saint Louis at The Pageant just last week and it was definitely the highlight of this summer thus far. My friend Stevi and I are going to do our best to finally try out for American Idol. I’m still not sure what song I want to perform.

I feel things growing and dying all around me. I feel so inspired one moment and then completely unaware or unattached to my surroundings. I am told that my limbo state is a fine state and natural state to be in at my age. I’m still unsure. I rest un-assured ahha. That is if I can rest.

I have done a lot of thinking about the perceived permanence of certain feelings or relationships. It is most certainly part of my confusion and frustration. I wish I had the proper words gathered for every amount of feeling I need to express, but I give you what I feel; instantly, unedited, and transparent.

I’m unwilling to yield all of my emotion to the wimps of another human. It scares me, the idea of needing rather than wanting, especially, in regards to relationships. I am afraid of being left so I leave but it is not that simple.

I wonder if I have any talent left in any part of my body? My introspection as of late has been more of highs and lows then I feel are usual. But that could be a lie. I could always feel this way every day and forget each night. You know, “I’ve slept since then”.

Coming back from a coma or journey. 

One of the other. 

Same old story on new soil.

Same old pain on new skin. 

I was never happy without my sorrow. 

I will never be content without yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

My how the changing of the tide 

has sprang a leak inside

within my soul. 

A body crying for the young and old. 

I wish I had what once was sold. 

This youth was wasted and we loved our wine. 

We did some crying, we did some time. 

we did some things to ease our minds 

but nothing changed until we saw inside. 

Inside outside reflecting still 

the inner desires, the outer will. 

My power, what power? Do I have? 

Am I all good or am I all bad? 

This is a hushed almost vaporous sigh 

but alarm alarm alarm the lights and sounds 

are upside down. 

I’m direct effect. 

I’ve seen and sat with the enemy. 

I’ve made their home, my bed. 

What lies are told to shut us out, cold. 

Stranded, terrified alone? 

I’m bogus billionaires staring at the ceiling. 

Wish I had what once was sold but I am ever fearing. 

A reign, a reign, God’s given pain. 

It’s beauitufl and sweet sorrow. 

Silence is both truth and irogance. 

Too hushed or too loud we alert the rest. 

Society knows nothing about what’s inside my chest. 

I’ve got a lot to punish, I’ve got a lot to save. 

I’ve got a mouth to empty and a ear to fill. 

I’ve got a handful of promises but I may never know. 

What’s black? What’s white? What’s truth? 

Relativity projection, that’s all we seem to use. 

I’ve heard a light, I’ve seen a sound. 

I’ve touched a color 

spinning round and round. 

You’re my dearest and my only. 

But I have been promised, forever lonely.

I still wish the stars would speak.

And gain strength in what makes us weak!

Loneliness and I aren’t friends.
Neither of us understood the other.
We argued for hours over the most minimal issues.
It brings a strange smile to my face now.
I just wish he was still around.

I’m breaking down like never before.
Sold my soul to get comfortable
and now it’s fading
and I’m feeling cold again.

I want to hold you
but I hold back.
What a strange sense of oxygen
What a strange moron I am.

I’m terrible insane
honestly
in every way.

Look in my eyes 
tell me otherwise
you know you’ll lie
eventually

evidently, I’m unusual.
I despise perception believed to be concrete
there is nothing concrete
you little strange ones who believe 
that nothing can be changed will always be
just enough

the enemy of the best 
is 
JUST ENOUGH

I’m so ill 
my stomach churns
when I think of your satisfaction in the mundane

well go walk in your everyday glory
it will fade today or the next
nonetheless 
sooner than later
you will see
eye for eye
shall never reign again
we live and bleed in different times

it’s more complex
it’s a sad fact that most of you cannot see this
but when it come down it it

loneliness and I were never friends
I don’t want to die alone
I think about future plans and such
and it makes me so anxious at times
but I inhale that next breath like it’s my last
because at any moment I could move or leave this earth.

I don’t need judgement but neither do you
so shut that door and open anew

I write this to tell you what I know
my lord how the times have changed
and keep changing so
nothing ever seems as good or as bad as it truly was
so take it in, soak it up, and let the good times roll.

I’m addicted baby, you can fill the rest in.
It’s better if you don’t know.
I don’t need judgement but neither do you
so shut that door and open anew

I want to be beyond the borders. 
I want to see beyond te sun.
I want to leave this land forever,
and to leave nothing undone.

I want to run with all this magic.
I want to roll with every stone.
I want to capture you in photographs,
and get you to laugh, get you alone.

I want to travel upwards.
And play music in the sky.
Hear you words, your beats, your melody.
I want to be just you and I.

The moon might have footprints
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry 
I just wander on.
And if your in a hurry
than I’m already gone.

Dear me, darling, this is just a dream.
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry
I just wander on.
Cause I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

And this is just a start.
With all the bruises on my heart.
I know if I got somewhere far,
I’ll pass the torch and use the light of stars.
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry
I just wander on.
Cause I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

I’ve got plenty, I’ve got plenty.
I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

With or without
all the souls they laid to rest.
I promise, always,
to do my best.

What I did and what I do,
may have been none or all for you.
Or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry none.
I just wander, on and on.
Cause I’ve got plenty years to live.
With or without I’ve got plenty of love,
I’ve got plenty of love to give.

I wish you could roll me up in a quilt of quotes. Lay me down lightly and let me breath. Let me soak it deep into my skin. Let me ponder, let me wonder, let me meditate and appreciate. Let it become the most silent of sleep and let the day turn to dusk. Let the trees whimper in the wind and wave with the same rhythm of my breath. Let my exhale exclaim a phrase of grace and praise and let my inhale indulge in the oxygen of my surroundings. Let this rest be all that I need. Let me lay in a quilt of quotes for as little as an hour.

Give me the glorious, the glamorous, the fabulous, the inspiring, the bizarre, the eccentric, the divine, give me it all, give me it all the time. Give the beauty and I promise I will return it sevenfold. Give me the ugly, the vile, the destructive, the shameful, the horrifying, the simplifying, the dangerous, the wicked. Give me the absolute and let it become my resolution.

I wanna grow old but I wanna grow bold. I wanna know but I want the truth. Whether it’s dirty or shiny I want the wisdom not the knowledge.  

And I wish you would roll us up together inside this quilt and tell me all the reasons why. I wish you would roll us up something sticky and make it icky. I wish you would sing to me, write a song for me. I would do the same for you, I would do the same for you. My promise has been and always will be to be your friend. Someone you can hold and someone to hold you when all the rest of the world has gone cold.

Someone who will wrap you up nicely in a colorful quilt of quotes. Someone who will speak truth no matter who it hurts. Someone who knows that the truth prevails. Someone who knows that whatever it is you are searching for they can and will do their best to be it or find it for you. You’re my moon and I am your sun. 

Apart we are nothing but together we are everything. The universe is infinite what a pleasant experience this life alone has been. What joy, what sorrow awaits us in the world of tomorrow? Will our souls recognize each other? My, how, I cannot imagine not knowing you now. How I cannot imagine what a mess I would be without you.

And I could say you can string me along as long as you like but I’ve got a little truth in my pocket and if you pay enough attention, I’ll drop it. 

I wanna be a runaway. I wanna run away.I wanna be a shooting star. I want to shoot a star.I wanna be, I wanna be.But none of this is me.
My vision is gaining on me while my hearing seems to cease.I’m all out of breath now, I’m all our of please.I tell you to stop, but you fail to listen.Even when I explain.Your ears are surely missing.Just like mine. Just like mine.We’re having the best and worst of times.I’m sick to my stomach.I’ve got a crack on my heart.It’s growing stronger.I’m getting weaker.
Soon I’ll fall apart.Completely,you complete me.But I’m desperate to lose.I’m desperate to self destruct.You and I are out of luck.I wished on stars.I ate several candy bars.I wanna weight a thousand tons.Help to explain why I ain’t getting none.The clock is ticking mr. man.If you think you can understand.Then wake the fuck up.I’ll shake you silly, I’ll fill your cup.Full and steaming at the brim.I’m not one to run with every whim.But this one tells me to stay stoic.To stay and pace and run in place.To hold my ground until it crumbles.Damn, this life is such a jumble.

Gambling is an interesting concept especially with regards to life. What does your life mean to you? Do you feel like you are living up to your true potential? Do you feel as if you could be more, do more, see more? If so why aren’t you? Is it that risk that is involved that both tantalizes and scares you? Yeah, yes! Duh! I have absolutely no purpose for fear in my life and yet I have absolutely without a doubt been a victim to it. Fear of speaking out about how I truly feel, fear about driving which is pretty ridiculous I guess, fear of letting go, of accepting myself and others as they are, fear of failure and on and on to name a few and sometimes I leave this place a fear briefly and make totally and completely irrational decisions based solely on the fact that I feel a lingering need for change because this cozy comfy couch just ain’t kickin’ it no more. 
And in that I would like to introduce two different lyrical concepts on the topic of gambling. Whether in life or in a game or whether you believe life is just a game you do have to know how to play. That’s the icky sticky fun part, the experience. The melodramatic bullcrap that we call all just sit and laugh about over a nice cup of coffee or whatever else floats your boat. But I digress and now introduce the songs.
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers)

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em,know when to walk away, and know when to run.You never count your money, when your sittin’ at the table.There’ll be plenty of time for countin’, when the dealin’s done.”
and 
The Gambler by fun. 


I’m just going to include the entire lyrics because I am so in love with this song…it is never ending.

Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazyAll the kids are grown from babies into flowers in our eyesWe’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the gardenI don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die
We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective heartsIt was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eyeAnd you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to danceI knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight
I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a roseI will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonelyFor even if the sun stops waking up over the fieldsI will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s on timeSo just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side
It was the winter of ‘86, all the fields had frozen overSo we moved to Arizona to save our only sonAnd now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his motherHe believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone
And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughterShe has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are grayAnd just like him she never stops, never takes the day for grantedWorks for everything that’s handed to her, never once complained
You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you awayBut like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago’Til this day, you swore you’d be here ‘til we decide that it’s our timeBut it’s not time, you never quit in all your lifeSo just take my hand and know that I will never leave your sideYou’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side
You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eyeYou curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is oursSo we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grownAnd the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire

—————————————————————————————————————————————————I guess what true assessment to myself and to others is finding what it is in life that is worth the gamble. There is so much out there to gain and all of that but what is it at the very end of the day that you think about? What is your tireless desires that you never lay to rest not even in your dreams? Mine has a lot to do with love but i’m not sure in what form or from whom. I just know that love is real and truly all we really need. It is what all of our spirits are most hungry for. 
Yet, I am unsure of the ways and means but I have faith and that’s saying a lot!And I’m a gambler, I gotta be. 
God Bless! 

Waking up in the morning to a full plate of breakfast right next you in bed must feel good. Does it make you feel complete? Knowing that you have your warmth of the shelter, the comfort of a meal, and the love of another that graciously prepares and delievers to you each day.

And you get dressed and go off to work. You kiss her goodbye and as you pull away from the drive with nothing but ordinary and as usual written on your face, she waves fairwell.

She starts to pack her bags. First things first, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup, the boxed letters and poets she hid from you, the paintings she hung on the walls. The coffee maker, she’ll need that at the very least. So she doesn’t pick up after you today. She just packs and goes on her way.

She left without warning. Without even the slightest alarm. There is something in here moving her to run. She can’t be settle in this world you want her in. A box with two bedrooms just in case. A nice kitchen and dinning room set. A beautiful couch and love seat and your stupid lazy boy.

And it defines you in more ways than one. You stupid, lazy boy. You don’t realize what you have. You don’t really understand all she has offered and all that has already been given to you. You stupid, lazy boy you have no hope in living. You just wait for the next day. You don’t even appreciate your own breath. You stupid, lazy boy she was the only freedom you had.

Someday man will see that we have chosen all of this for ourselves. And on that day we will all pull into our oversized parking lots or guarges with out heavy duty vehicles and we will shut and lock the doors as usual. We will enter the home like every other day. We will not feel her absence. But once we start looking around and feel nothing but emptiness we will then realize.

We will realize what we have given up for our stupid nine to fives. We will realize what knowledge, what wisdom we have truly sacrificed by our laziness of vehicles and televisions. We will realize our pride and our envy and that they are both in vain. We will realize our wrath immediately, here after and all we will want to do is cry. We will want to curl back into ourselves. Into the spirits that we are. But until we wake up from this pattern of living, this lifestlye of denial and spiritual blindness we will never see the face to true freedom.

Stupid Lazy Boy, you thought you had it all. You thought you knew it all.
Stupid Lazy Boy, what does it feel like to come into conflict with yourself on such a level that it is rising like fire in your veins? Does it make you want to move? Does it make you want to agrue? Does it make you want to write, to paint, to draw? Does it make you want to experience life for all it’s beauty and all it’s true. A beauty and truth recognizable by all humans?
Does it make you want to deny me, freedom even more for fear that you have in fact been wrong in your existence all along?

I don’t mean to cause frustration and I don’t mean to cause angry.
I don’t mean to cause sadness and I don’t mean to cause despair.
But I certainly do not mean to cause apathy in thee.
Oh Stupid Lazy Boy, you have power beyond your knowledge.
Do you’re best to wake up. There is a whole universe out there. Why don’t you look around? Tell me what you really see!

Do you sometime know what to title your posts before you write them? I can do that on occasion when I have a clear idea of what my basic message is going to be about before I even type the first line but more often than not I don’t. In this case I am pretty sure I know what I am going to talk about but have no idea what I should title it. This probably should just be titled RANT or DON’T READ or FULL OF FRUSTRATION AND ANGER!

I was at first rather livid about the following situation but then I took a step back and seriously thought about it. Talk to my friend Kancy and soon lost track of the issue and then I got yet another phone call. Now I am not one for woe is me stories and this is not intended to be one but I just need to write it down. Perhaps my journal would have been a better choice but I truly am falling in love with Tumblr.

In the following story the names have been changed just because I don’t really wish to reveal to anyone and I have always wanted to do that so here it is.

Tonight my ‘friend’ April called and informed me that I was going to have to go up with her to Valley Park and finish picking up the apartment and getting my things out. I didn’t want to be in Valley Park or around her tonight and I had some obligations to my regular life to deal with. So I found a way to postpone this little visit until tomorrow.

Called a friend and found out she was planning on being in Valley Park by 3pm and leaving at 8pm. 5 hours to get stuff done…sounds massive and a fair to me. So I called April. No answer. Called again about 5 mins later. I leave a voice mail stating that I will not be riding up with her as I wish to stay here for the night and will get all the stuff done tomorrow while she is at work so she has nothing to worry about.

Then she calls me. I answer.

She tells me I have to go up with her tonight.

“Why”, I say?

“Because I just talked to May and she is not going to take you.”

“What”? “Why”?

“Alexis, you just won’t have enough time to clean that place up and I have friends coming over friday and I want everything to be nice and neat. You don’t have any other choice.”

“No, I’ve talked to May, she said she’d take me. That’s five hours that is plenty of time. I don’t want to go up tonight.”

“You have no choice.”

“Yes, I do have a choice, this is my life. Not yours.”

By this time she is yelling and screaming at me, already. I cannot handle anymore. I have put up with this nonsense for far too long. I hang up on her.

Later on she starts threatening that either a) I will have to pay some random $200 dollar fee for bringing my cat into the apartment…for a month. or b) she is going to throw away the rest of the stuff that I have in the apartment because she would just claim that I was a ‘guest’ in the house rather than an actual tenet.

I start to freak out about this. I only have a few things there but I have papers there. Really important papers. Bank account information. And cards and letters from family members and friends. Pictures on a cork board. Little treasures like that and she is threatening to throw them away.

This all ended pretty badly. In retrospect I should have never accepted her apology the time before when she kidnapped me…that’s really not a joke. I live in turmoil while I am around her. I am terribly afraid that she will do something brash.

All in all I am no longer angry but frustration always settles in. I just want so badly to be able to fathom any part of where she is coming from but I cannot. I am at such a loss.

The only idea I can come up with is the fact that for so long of a time I allow here unconsciously the perception that she is in some sort of control of me. Then after a while of being away from here and waking up out of that state I realize what has been going on and I conclude that I am no longer going to be controlled by here. I rise up.

I guess the honest question I am posing is when does one person know it is time to cut all ties from someone. Under what circumstances is it better to burn a bridge rather than try to repair it? In friendship, in love, in anything?

I guess we all have our limits. There are rules and guildlines for such things I believe. Not that I agree with most laws but a lot of them are in place for good reason. What is good reason anyway?

I got my septum pierced about three months back. My septum has the ball off of it and the horseshoe shape just hangs down my nose, see photo to the left Anyway my step mother is fairly superstitious and believes that the fact that I have an upside-down horseshoe in my nose is bad luck. For there are lucky horseshoes but when turned around all the luck runs out.

If I was supersition I could honestly see where my luck had run out. Things just turn all about all the time for me. I don’t mind though. It doesn’t get me down. Sometimes in fact I percieve an idea that perhaps I was born to live a less priviledge simple kinda life so that I can be around certain people that need my help. Not saying that the priviledged or wealthy do not need help. I just mean I believe I could be someone whom gives up their own things, emotions, well-being and what not for the sake of someone else.

I don’t know. Regardless, I try and remain statisfied. And I am not moving back to St. Louis. Not yet and who knows if ever.

But here is my plan of action because I have need one for a very very long time. I am going to stay at my father’s house as long as I can save the money. After I have a good deal of money saved I would like to purchase a vehicle. Then I will save more and pay off my debts. Once that is paid off I will take the ACT again. Then I am going to start applying for colleges and deciding on a major. After that I can make a new plan of action. But that is my within 5 years plan of action. After 5 years I would like to be on the road, traveling all around; seeing and living through things I could never hope to see here. Locally.

But for now, I don’t mind living local. It’s a fair place to be. Comfy.
I write severely long posts. Sometimes I regret the length.
But since is the last entry I plan for today.

I’m happy about my plan of action.
I’m thankful for having my little dancing fool of a brother, he is just plan cool.
I’m hopeful that tomorrow I get my things together and in order and that I will not have to deal with April again. My mother told me you can’t trust that family

There are just some people whom don’t get it. But that’s for another day.

Night folks!