// I’ve Slept Since Then//

It’s 3.06 am. I could still get plenty of sleep if I could fall back asleep now. I’m not sure why I cannot sleep more than two hours at a time. My mind won’t let me slumber so I’m here typing on tumblr. Lately, things have been a little confusing, a little frustrating but I’m still pressing on as positively as I can.

I’m missing certain people and not sure or confident in the outcome of communication. I feel the limbo taking hold. Speaking of limbo, I am two time winner of the Saturday Roadhouse Limbo, which is not much of a surprise considering I am exactly five foot. Some say it’s cheating but I say that short people must have advantages in at least one sport…or game…what have you.

I have got to gather myself and writing is and has always been my most sacred of releases. It’s a real shame how I have gone so long without writing more than three sentences.

Overwhelmed is the atmosphere of my current existence. I’m happy to say I have maintained two jobs since February and have slowly but surly been putting some money back. I got to see Bright Eyes in Saint Louis at The Pageant just last week and it was definitely the highlight of this summer thus far. My friend Stevi and I are going to do our best to finally try out for American Idol. I’m still not sure what song I want to perform.

I feel things growing and dying all around me. I feel so inspired one moment and then completely unaware or unattached to my surroundings. I am told that my limbo state is a fine state and natural state to be in at my age. I’m still unsure. I rest un-assured ahha. That is if I can rest.

I have done a lot of thinking about the perceived permanence of certain feelings or relationships. It is most certainly part of my confusion and frustration. I wish I had the proper words gathered for every amount of feeling I need to express, but I give you what I feel; instantly, unedited, and transparent.

I’m unwilling to yield all of my emotion to the wimps of another human. It scares me, the idea of needing rather than wanting, especially, in regards to relationships. I am afraid of being left so I leave but it is not that simple.

I wonder if I have any talent left in any part of my body? My introspection as of late has been more of highs and lows then I feel are usual. But that could be a lie. I could always feel this way every day and forget each night. You know, “I’ve slept since then”.

// And There Is Still So Much More …//

A lot is on my mind and a lot of it stays on my mind. I have truly learned the most about myself, others, and life itself over the past six months. My twenty second birthday is coming up in two months. I’m very excited for several reasons but essentially because I will be 22 and that is my golden birthday! I said it back in January that 2010 was going to be my year and I am not letting go of that attitude. I’m so thankful for everything I have, all the people I know, and all the lessons I have learned from all the experience I have lived.

Regardless of what comes next I know that I will embrace it with open arms because I have been truly blessed with so many extreme trials and joys that I could never feel complete discontent with myself again. I used to ponder all the time about how I felt worth in my life that I believe no one else would truly understand or feel but the older I have become the more I have realized that that beauty is individual and should be experienced and appreciated as that. If someone misunderstands I have difficulty in that and I try and do my best to make them understand me however the past six months have taught me that all of reality is truly subjective and beyond that there is objectivity that can be seen and heard. 

I just know that this life is beautiful and crazy and I would not trade it for anything. I accept everything and I feel like a breath of fresh air. I feel a true sense of freedom. I am so happy because of all of this. I have forgot my fears for the most part and I am ready to live more and more each day. Acceptance of self is key. Realizing who you are and what you aren’t allows you to handle any situation with the right attitude and so much of life is attitude. I feel as if I owe so much to so many people and I do to be honest and if I could give them back any bit of the understanding and clarity they have given me then I would be eternally grateful.  

And there is still so much more to say, to contemplate, and to be lived and this is the most exciting feeling, to live and be grateful of each moment. Thank you!

…

// A Memory//

I think, I do. 
I think, I’ll try.
To pace the floor.
Refuse to cry. 
Open the eyes,
the ears, the doors.
Break like a heart,
no love, forever more.
In the current setting,
a river runs fast,
a river runs free.
Circling me.
Cycle thinking, knowingly.
Surrounding, drowning, comfortably. 
Numb is emptiness.
Numb doubts the obvious pain.
Sad but true,
etched in my brain.
I’m calm, collected, intense, insane.
Above average
but as the night turns 
sweet or sour,  
I promise to make my mind
at the end of the hour.
To hold close and fast
to a love said forever, to last.
Scared of pain but more
frightened of lonliness.
I pray, I beg.
This is my deepest breath,
to inhale the air so tight and strong
to hold onto your memory, forever long.

// The Gamblers//

Gambling is an interesting concept especially with regards to life. What does your life mean to you? Do you feel like you are living up to your true potential? Do you feel as if you could be more, do more, see more? If so why aren’t you? Is it that risk that is involved that both tantalizes and scares you? Yeah, yes! Duh! I have absolutely no purpose for fear in my life and yet I have absolutely without a doubt been a victim to it. Fear of speaking out about how I truly feel, fear about driving which is pretty ridiculous I guess, fear of letting go, of accepting myself and others as they are, fear of failure and on and on to name a few and sometimes I leave this place a fear briefly and make totally and completely irrational decisions based solely on the fact that I feel a lingering need for change because this cozy comfy couch just ain’t kickin’ it no more. 
And in that I would like to introduce two different lyrical concepts on the topic of gambling. Whether in life or in a game or whether you believe life is just a game you do have to know how to play. That’s the icky sticky fun part, the experience. The melodramatic bullcrap that we call all just sit and laugh about over a nice cup of coffee or whatever else floats your boat. But I digress and now introduce the songs.
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers)

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em,know when to walk away, and know when to run.You never count your money, when your sittin’ at the table.There’ll be plenty of time for countin’, when the dealin’s done.”
and 
The Gambler by fun. 


I’m just going to include the entire lyrics because I am so in love with this song…it is never ending.

Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazyAll the kids are grown from babies into flowers in our eyesWe’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the gardenI don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die
We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective heartsIt was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eyeAnd you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to danceI knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight
I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a roseI will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonelyFor even if the sun stops waking up over the fieldsI will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s on timeSo just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side
It was the winter of ‘86, all the fields had frozen overSo we moved to Arizona to save our only sonAnd now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his motherHe believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone
And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughterShe has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are grayAnd just like him she never stops, never takes the day for grantedWorks for everything that’s handed to her, never once complained
You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you awayBut like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago’Til this day, you swore you’d be here ‘til we decide that it’s our timeBut it’s not time, you never quit in all your lifeSo just take my hand and know that I will never leave your sideYou’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side
You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eyeYou curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is oursSo we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grownAnd the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire

—————————————————————————————————————————————————I guess what true assessment to myself and to others is finding what it is in life that is worth the gamble. There is so much out there to gain and all of that but what is it at the very end of the day that you think about? What is your tireless desires that you never lay to rest not even in your dreams? Mine has a lot to do with love but i’m not sure in what form or from whom. I just know that love is real and truly all we really need. It is what all of our spirits are most hungry for. 
Yet, I am unsure of the ways and means but I have faith and that’s saying a lot!And I’m a gambler, I gotta be. 
God Bless! 

// Men on Rooftops//

It’s the stupidest thing but lately I’ve been having these thoughts. As I look outside the window and see the men working diligently on the rooftop of a house a few down from mine, I imagine one of them is you. I imagine you will realize how close you are to my house. I imagine you will take just one minute from working and walk over and knock on my door. And I’ll answer and we will hug and kiss and everything else will disappear. But you’re not even in that line of work and I could guess where you are and where your thoughts are. You’re scared but I’m far more afraid of your absence than you’ll ever know.

// Does Tiger Woods Owe You An Apology!?//

Someone asked me on ChaCha me if Tiger Woods owed me an apology. I went a little nutty and wrote out a rant. Enjoy.

No. I really don’t care what Tiger Woods does during his free time. In fact, I think the media should apologize for giving him so much publicity for such a private matter. I don’t understand why the media or our general public finds the private lives of celebrities so fascinating. I think that is a major issue in our society, seeing them as demigods or something and looking at our own lives and not being satisfied.

// Bone Marrow Questions.//

I was just pondering in my little silly brain the strange truth to, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. I find everything beautiful in some way. I also find everything humorous in some way. This may seems improbably but I do believe that given the proper conditions anything can be seen as both beautiful or humorous. Now I am not promising simultaneously but I am promising independently that everything is capable of that perception.

Onto what is puzzling me about that strange and delicious truth about perception I was curious as to what strange things do you find appealing about others that you believe most people are ‘turned off’ by? I don’t mean sexually but more of as a means of attraction in general to another human being. What is it that pulls you in? What are some day to day things you do or say that you believe others would perceive as unappealing and unusual?

I find the human specious to be the most strange of all creatures. I sometimes believe that perhaps we have a lot to learn from the beasts and their patient coexistence with nature. Yet, I find the absolute variety in design, perception, intellect, and several other factors truly most memorizing within the human. And this is why I ask you, what really get’s you off? What really motivates the fucking socks off you? What makes you wanna starve to death for it? What makes you the most heated? What chills you to the bone? What restores you from despair? What skeletons are in your closet?

Of course I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

I started this thinking I had nothing to ask but about beauty and went on a world win of questions. If you answer I will truly be appreciative. I will truly show you mine if you show me yours! I think I might start a series. Hells yes! The Bone Marrow Question series!

 ?

// An Inspired Life//

In all honesty, I cannot wait for what tomorrow has in store for me. Not just the next day but all of eternity. I am so enlightened by the mere fact of existence that I could absolutely explode. I am seeing stars. I am conceiving plans from my dreams so bright, so bright they sting. I feel so inspired and positive and motivated and ambitious and just all together awesome that I want all of the world to feel me.

Feel how hot I am to touch. Saver how sweet I am to taste. 
Notice how bold I am to hear. Inhale how comforting I smell.
And visualize how intricate I must be.
I must be and you must be.
And you are me. You are me.


Everything that surrounds 
from here on out
is exactly
what I want.
If I feel insane
eventually
for making the same mistakes
I’ll retract and retreat
and start it all over
until I learn 
until I can fly
without wings


I’m really really really happy right now.
I think I have finally come full circle.
I am starting to understand myself 
and what my personal journey
and purpose have meant.

I am realizing who I am 
and what I’m about.

I feel so whole, so content, so complete, so worry free.
I am feeling all burdens vanish into air.
I am exhaling my long held breath.
I’m letting it all out and taking it all in.

All of this is stream of consciousness. All of this is truth that is alive within me.
I am so incredibly inspired that it is difficult to just sit here and not wake everyone I know up with the good news. That life is so beautiful, so ephemeral, so pure and potent. Nothing can replace a single second. Each moment so precious and well defined. I will never let go of anyone at anytime. If you need me. I’ll be there. 


“Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter. Togetherness, girl it’s all I’m after. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there.”

I just made my cat do a hand stand. I want you all to know that I love you. All of you. Each and every single one. No more and no less. Well truth be told I might care more for certain folks more than most but that’s earned ever so slowly and gracefully. 

I love human interaction and realizing the connection we all share within a conversation whether brief or long. Just that moment, that second, you know you belong. Right exactly where you are at this point in time. Nothing matters but the present. So be as big as you wish or as tall as you dream. 
Be a monster, a princess, a prom or drag queen. Be a cashier, a waitress, a secretary, a model. Be bold, be in charge, be excited, and zesty. Hold true to your truth to your intuition and your feelings. Know what your heart’s true desire is and do your damnedest to fulfill it.

No good deed goes unpunished. By friends I am turning twenty one in three days. I’m a little nervous but by all accounts I am excited. This weekend and this year are going to be righteous to the maximum. I want all bad vibes to be put behind us now. I want only good to linger. 

So have whatever dish you wish to dine with
and any girl or boy you choose.
Because in the end you have absolutely nothing but you fears to lose.

Let go of your fears.
They are only holding you back.
Let the good times roll.
Let the music play. 
Sing along to every song you know.
Stop being so cautious with ever single word or thought.
Provoke the world to imagine a better way
And do it. Do it to it.


If you cannot expect to understand 
and be the ever living example of everything 
you wish to exist and be complete and right
then you will never see it exist. 
For something you desire to be manifested
it must first enter this world in you.
Through you and by you.


Gandhi rocked it like no other 
“Be the change you wish to see in the world”

So be happy be healthy
be inspired and free
Show the world the best
example of ME


And if at a moment of despair do not fret
“for this too shall pass”
All moments are spectacular and individual
we are to live to experience
so impress what you love 
and rid your mind, body, and spirit of the rest.

May you all have the courage to be what it is you really want to be and not be held back by the gloved hand of a master you cannot see. If none of this is real and if all of it is fake then does that mean that we are all just pretending to exist?

Regardless of this or that
We are alive to soak up everything we can
And I am the sponge
I want wisdom, I want truth, I want knowledge, I want conversation, I want connection, I want satisfaction from the inner working out.

Wake up Wake up Wake up
and smell your own stink
Rid your mind, body, and spirit
of all you do not regard as ‘right’
but remember it is best first to put
a finger in the water to try and understand 
a temperature

What of everything you know?
What of everything you don’t?

Teach me something, I have five or more senses with which I can intake all you have to share.

Love life because life is love and love is life.
Love is 
Life is
And you are.
We are.

I guess to be truthful and frank and so on
I just love being alive and sometimes I forget how delicious it is to partake of air. To be able to breath and to be alive. I forget how awesome it is to have all opportunity available even though they can seem so far. There is no truth so honest as the truth within oneself.

Have a night or have a day whenever you read this, have it your way. 

// Stupid Lazy Boy//

Waking up in the morning to a full plate of breakfast right next you in bed must feel good. Does it make you feel complete? Knowing that you have your warmth of the shelter, the comfort of a meal, and the love of another that graciously prepares and delievers to you each day.

And you get dressed and go off to work. You kiss her goodbye and as you pull away from the drive with nothing but ordinary and as usual written on your face, she waves fairwell.

She starts to pack her bags. First things first, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup, the boxed letters and poets she hid from you, the paintings she hung on the walls. The coffee maker, she’ll need that at the very least. So she doesn’t pick up after you today. She just packs and goes on her way.

She left without warning. Without even the slightest alarm. There is something in here moving her to run. She can’t be settle in this world you want her in. A box with two bedrooms just in case. A nice kitchen and dinning room set. A beautiful couch and love seat and your stupid lazy boy.

And it defines you in more ways than one. You stupid, lazy boy. You don’t realize what you have. You don’t really understand all she has offered and all that has already been given to you. You stupid, lazy boy you have no hope in living. You just wait for the next day. You don’t even appreciate your own breath. You stupid, lazy boy she was the only freedom you had.

Someday man will see that we have chosen all of this for ourselves. And on that day we will all pull into our oversized parking lots or guarges with out heavy duty vehicles and we will shut and lock the doors as usual. We will enter the home like every other day. We will not feel her absence. But once we start looking around and feel nothing but emptiness we will then realize.

We will realize what we have given up for our stupid nine to fives. We will realize what knowledge, what wisdom we have truly sacrificed by our laziness of vehicles and televisions. We will realize our pride and our envy and that they are both in vain. We will realize our wrath immediately, here after and all we will want to do is cry. We will want to curl back into ourselves. Into the spirits that we are. But until we wake up from this pattern of living, this lifestlye of denial and spiritual blindness we will never see the face to true freedom.

Stupid Lazy Boy, you thought you had it all. You thought you knew it all.
Stupid Lazy Boy, what does it feel like to come into conflict with yourself on such a level that it is rising like fire in your veins? Does it make you want to move? Does it make you want to agrue? Does it make you want to write, to paint, to draw? Does it make you want to experience life for all it’s beauty and all it’s true. A beauty and truth recognizable by all humans?
Does it make you want to deny me, freedom even more for fear that you have in fact been wrong in your existence all along?

I don’t mean to cause frustration and I don’t mean to cause angry.
I don’t mean to cause sadness and I don’t mean to cause despair.
But I certainly do not mean to cause apathy in thee.
Oh Stupid Lazy Boy, you have power beyond your knowledge.
Do you’re best to wake up. There is a whole universe out there. Why don’t you look around? Tell me what you really see!

// April Showers//

Do you sometime know what to title your posts before you write them? I can do that on occasion when I have a clear idea of what my basic message is going to be about before I even type the first line but more often than not I don’t. In this case I am pretty sure I know what I am going to talk about but have no idea what I should title it. This probably should just be titled RANT or DON’T READ or FULL OF FRUSTRATION AND ANGER!

I was at first rather livid about the following situation but then I took a step back and seriously thought about it. Talk to my friend Kancy and soon lost track of the issue and then I got yet another phone call. Now I am not one for woe is me stories and this is not intended to be one but I just need to write it down. Perhaps my journal would have been a better choice but I truly am falling in love with Tumblr.

In the following story the names have been changed just because I don’t really wish to reveal to anyone and I have always wanted to do that so here it is.

Tonight my ‘friend’ April called and informed me that I was going to have to go up with her to Valley Park and finish picking up the apartment and getting my things out. I didn’t want to be in Valley Park or around her tonight and I had some obligations to my regular life to deal with. So I found a way to postpone this little visit until tomorrow.

Called a friend and found out she was planning on being in Valley Park by 3pm and leaving at 8pm. 5 hours to get stuff done…sounds massive and a fair to me. So I called April. No answer. Called again about 5 mins later. I leave a voice mail stating that I will not be riding up with her as I wish to stay here for the night and will get all the stuff done tomorrow while she is at work so she has nothing to worry about.

Then she calls me. I answer.

She tells me I have to go up with her tonight.

“Why”, I say?

“Because I just talked to May and she is not going to take you.”

“What”? “Why”?

“Alexis, you just won’t have enough time to clean that place up and I have friends coming over friday and I want everything to be nice and neat. You don’t have any other choice.”

“No, I’ve talked to May, she said she’d take me. That’s five hours that is plenty of time. I don’t want to go up tonight.”

“You have no choice.”

“Yes, I do have a choice, this is my life. Not yours.”

By this time she is yelling and screaming at me, already. I cannot handle anymore. I have put up with this nonsense for far too long. I hang up on her.

Later on she starts threatening that either a) I will have to pay some random $200 dollar fee for bringing my cat into the apartment…for a month. or b) she is going to throw away the rest of the stuff that I have in the apartment because she would just claim that I was a ‘guest’ in the house rather than an actual tenet.

I start to freak out about this. I only have a few things there but I have papers there. Really important papers. Bank account information. And cards and letters from family members and friends. Pictures on a cork board. Little treasures like that and she is threatening to throw them away.

This all ended pretty badly. In retrospect I should have never accepted her apology the time before when she kidnapped me…that’s really not a joke. I live in turmoil while I am around her. I am terribly afraid that she will do something brash.

All in all I am no longer angry but frustration always settles in. I just want so badly to be able to fathom any part of where she is coming from but I cannot. I am at such a loss.

The only idea I can come up with is the fact that for so long of a time I allow here unconsciously the perception that she is in some sort of control of me. Then after a while of being away from here and waking up out of that state I realize what has been going on and I conclude that I am no longer going to be controlled by here. I rise up.

I guess the honest question I am posing is when does one person know it is time to cut all ties from someone. Under what circumstances is it better to burn a bridge rather than try to repair it? In friendship, in love, in anything?

I guess we all have our limits. There are rules and guildlines for such things I believe. Not that I agree with most laws but a lot of them are in place for good reason. What is good reason anyway?

I got my septum pierced about three months back. My septum has the ball off of it and the horseshoe shape just hangs down my nose, see photo to the left Anyway my step mother is fairly superstitious and believes that the fact that I have an upside-down horseshoe in my nose is bad luck. For there are lucky horseshoes but when turned around all the luck runs out.

If I was supersition I could honestly see where my luck had run out. Things just turn all about all the time for me. I don’t mind though. It doesn’t get me down. Sometimes in fact I percieve an idea that perhaps I was born to live a less priviledge simple kinda life so that I can be around certain people that need my help. Not saying that the priviledged or wealthy do not need help. I just mean I believe I could be someone whom gives up their own things, emotions, well-being and what not for the sake of someone else.

I don’t know. Regardless, I try and remain statisfied. And I am not moving back to St. Louis. Not yet and who knows if ever.

But here is my plan of action because I have need one for a very very long time. I am going to stay at my father’s house as long as I can save the money. After I have a good deal of money saved I would like to purchase a vehicle. Then I will save more and pay off my debts. Once that is paid off I will take the ACT again. Then I am going to start applying for colleges and deciding on a major. After that I can make a new plan of action. But that is my within 5 years plan of action. After 5 years I would like to be on the road, traveling all around; seeing and living through things I could never hope to see here. Locally.

But for now, I don’t mind living local. It’s a fair place to be. Comfy.
I write severely long posts. Sometimes I regret the length.
But since is the last entry I plan for today.

I’m happy about my plan of action.
I’m thankful for having my little dancing fool of a brother, he is just plan cool.
I’m hopeful that tomorrow I get my things together and in order and that I will not have to deal with April again. My mother told me you can’t trust that family

There are just some people whom don’t get it. But that’s for another day.

Night folks!