// I’ve Slept Since Then//

It’s 3.06 am. I could still get plenty of sleep if I could fall back asleep now. I’m not sure why I cannot sleep more than two hours at a time. My mind won’t let me slumber so I’m here typing on tumblr. Lately, things have been a little confusing, a little frustrating but I’m still pressing on as positively as I can.

I’m missing certain people and not sure or confident in the outcome of communication. I feel the limbo taking hold. Speaking of limbo, I am two time winner of the Saturday Roadhouse Limbo, which is not much of a surprise considering I am exactly five foot. Some say it’s cheating but I say that short people must have advantages in at least one sport…or game…what have you.

I have got to gather myself and writing is and has always been my most sacred of releases. It’s a real shame how I have gone so long without writing more than three sentences.

Overwhelmed is the atmosphere of my current existence. I’m happy to say I have maintained two jobs since February and have slowly but surly been putting some money back. I got to see Bright Eyes in Saint Louis at The Pageant just last week and it was definitely the highlight of this summer thus far. My friend Stevi and I are going to do our best to finally try out for American Idol. I’m still not sure what song I want to perform.

I feel things growing and dying all around me. I feel so inspired one moment and then completely unaware or unattached to my surroundings. I am told that my limbo state is a fine state and natural state to be in at my age. I’m still unsure. I rest un-assured ahha. That is if I can rest.

I have done a lot of thinking about the perceived permanence of certain feelings or relationships. It is most certainly part of my confusion and frustration. I wish I had the proper words gathered for every amount of feeling I need to express, but I give you what I feel; instantly, unedited, and transparent.

I’m unwilling to yield all of my emotion to the wimps of another human. It scares me, the idea of needing rather than wanting, especially, in regards to relationships. I am afraid of being left so I leave but it is not that simple.

I wonder if I have any talent left in any part of my body? My introspection as of late has been more of highs and lows then I feel are usual. But that could be a lie. I could always feel this way every day and forget each night. You know, “I’ve slept since then”.

// It’s Better If You Don’t Know//

Loneliness and I aren’t friends.
Neither of us understood the other.
We argued for hours over the most minimal issues.
It brings a strange smile to my face now.
I just wish he was still around.

I’m breaking down like never before.
Sold my soul to get comfortable
and now it’s fading
and I’m feeling cold again.

I want to hold you
but I hold back.
What a strange sense of oxygen
What a strange moron I am.

I’m terrible insane
honestly
in every way.

Look in my eyes 
tell me otherwise
you know you’ll lie
eventually

evidently, I’m unusual.
I despise perception believed to be concrete
there is nothing concrete
you little strange ones who believe 
that nothing can be changed will always be
just enough

the enemy of the best 
is 
JUST ENOUGH

I’m so ill 
my stomach churns
when I think of your satisfaction in the mundane

well go walk in your everyday glory
it will fade today or the next
nonetheless 
sooner than later
you will see
eye for eye
shall never reign again
we live and bleed in different times

it’s more complex
it’s a sad fact that most of you cannot see this
but when it come down it it

loneliness and I were never friends
I don’t want to die alone
I think about future plans and such
and it makes me so anxious at times
but I inhale that next breath like it’s my last
because at any moment I could move or leave this earth.

I don’t need judgement but neither do you
so shut that door and open anew

I write this to tell you what I know
my lord how the times have changed
and keep changing so
nothing ever seems as good or as bad as it truly was
so take it in, soak it up, and let the good times roll.

I’m addicted baby, you can fill the rest in.
It’s better if you don’t know.
I don’t need judgement but neither do you
so shut that door and open anew

// I’ve Got Plenty//

I want to be beyond the borders. 
I want to see beyond te sun.
I want to leave this land forever,
and to leave nothing undone.

I want to run with all this magic.
I want to roll with every stone.
I want to capture you in photographs,
and get you to laugh, get you alone.

I want to travel upwards.
And play music in the sky.
Hear you words, your beats, your melody.
I want to be just you and I.

The moon might have footprints
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry 
I just wander on.
And if your in a hurry
than I’m already gone.

Dear me, darling, this is just a dream.
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry
I just wander on.
Cause I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

And this is just a start.
With all the bruises on my heart.
I know if I got somewhere far,
I’ll pass the torch and use the light of stars.
or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry
I just wander on.
Cause I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

I’ve got plenty, I’ve got plenty.
I’ve got plenty of years to live.
And I’ve got plenty of love to give.

With or without
all the souls they laid to rest.
I promise, always,
to do my best.

What I did and what I do,
may have been none or all for you.
Or that could be a lie.

But I don’t worry none.
I just wander, on and on.
Cause I’ve got plenty years to live.
With or without I’ve got plenty of love,
I’ve got plenty of love to give.

// A Beating Heart//

I wonder where fear grows the most? Where the pain is unwavering in the soul? I ask so soft, so delicately for understanding. Up on illusion, I ran across the night sky. Clear my throat and tell no lies. No forgiveness yet no restraint. To have and to hold, to chock if I ain’t. Rumors are scabs, so ugly and noticeable when your picking at it, it will hide the truth from your face. 

Something more or less sensational for your flesh. Is the question, we answer best?
But it’s touch and taste and sight and smell but hearing your breath, your voice turns a hell, to a heaven, as quick and as clear as I can handle.  

What is my damage? What have I done? Am I only one person? Am I the only one? I don’t believe I put anything to rest with any sleep or poetry, it just gives me enough energy, enough emotion to function and each day I feel less and less. I feel now like all I really am is a beating heart. 

// A Memory//

I think, I do. 
I think, I’ll try.
To pace the floor.
Refuse to cry. 
Open the eyes,
the ears, the doors.
Break like a heart,
no love, forever more.
In the current setting,
a river runs fast,
a river runs free.
Circling me.
Cycle thinking, knowingly.
Surrounding, drowning, comfortably. 
Numb is emptiness.
Numb doubts the obvious pain.
Sad but true,
etched in my brain.
I’m calm, collected, intense, insane.
Above average
but as the night turns 
sweet or sour,  
I promise to make my mind
at the end of the hour.
To hold close and fast
to a love said forever, to last.
Scared of pain but more
frightened of lonliness.
I pray, I beg.
This is my deepest breath,
to inhale the air so tight and strong
to hold onto your memory, forever long.

// The Gamblers//

Gambling is an interesting concept especially with regards to life. What does your life mean to you? Do you feel like you are living up to your true potential? Do you feel as if you could be more, do more, see more? If so why aren’t you? Is it that risk that is involved that both tantalizes and scares you? Yeah, yes! Duh! I have absolutely no purpose for fear in my life and yet I have absolutely without a doubt been a victim to it. Fear of speaking out about how I truly feel, fear about driving which is pretty ridiculous I guess, fear of letting go, of accepting myself and others as they are, fear of failure and on and on to name a few and sometimes I leave this place a fear briefly and make totally and completely irrational decisions based solely on the fact that I feel a lingering need for change because this cozy comfy couch just ain’t kickin’ it no more. 
And in that I would like to introduce two different lyrical concepts on the topic of gambling. Whether in life or in a game or whether you believe life is just a game you do have to know how to play. That’s the icky sticky fun part, the experience. The melodramatic bullcrap that we call all just sit and laugh about over a nice cup of coffee or whatever else floats your boat. But I digress and now introduce the songs.
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers)

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em,know when to walk away, and know when to run.You never count your money, when your sittin’ at the table.There’ll be plenty of time for countin’, when the dealin’s done.”
and 
The Gambler by fun. 


I’m just going to include the entire lyrics because I am so in love with this song…it is never ending.

Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazyAll the kids are grown from babies into flowers in our eyesWe’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the gardenI don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die
We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective heartsIt was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eyeAnd you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to danceI knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight
I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a roseI will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonelyFor even if the sun stops waking up over the fieldsI will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s on timeSo just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side
It was the winter of ‘86, all the fields had frozen overSo we moved to Arizona to save our only sonAnd now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his motherHe believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone
And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughterShe has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are grayAnd just like him she never stops, never takes the day for grantedWorks for everything that’s handed to her, never once complained
You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you awayBut like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago’Til this day, you swore you’d be here ‘til we decide that it’s our timeBut it’s not time, you never quit in all your lifeSo just take my hand and know that I will never leave your sideYou’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side
You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eyeYou curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is oursSo we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grownAnd the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire

—————————————————————————————————————————————————I guess what true assessment to myself and to others is finding what it is in life that is worth the gamble. There is so much out there to gain and all of that but what is it at the very end of the day that you think about? What is your tireless desires that you never lay to rest not even in your dreams? Mine has a lot to do with love but i’m not sure in what form or from whom. I just know that love is real and truly all we really need. It is what all of our spirits are most hungry for. 
Yet, I am unsure of the ways and means but I have faith and that’s saying a lot!And I’m a gambler, I gotta be. 
God Bless! 

// Men on Rooftops//

It’s the stupidest thing but lately I’ve been having these thoughts. As I look outside the window and see the men working diligently on the rooftop of a house a few down from mine, I imagine one of them is you. I imagine you will realize how close you are to my house. I imagine you will take just one minute from working and walk over and knock on my door. And I’ll answer and we will hug and kiss and everything else will disappear. But you’re not even in that line of work and I could guess where you are and where your thoughts are. You’re scared but I’m far more afraid of your absence than you’ll ever know.

// Stupid Lazy Boy//

Waking up in the morning to a full plate of breakfast right next you in bed must feel good. Does it make you feel complete? Knowing that you have your warmth of the shelter, the comfort of a meal, and the love of another that graciously prepares and delievers to you each day.

And you get dressed and go off to work. You kiss her goodbye and as you pull away from the drive with nothing but ordinary and as usual written on your face, she waves fairwell.

She starts to pack her bags. First things first, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup, the boxed letters and poets she hid from you, the paintings she hung on the walls. The coffee maker, she’ll need that at the very least. So she doesn’t pick up after you today. She just packs and goes on her way.

She left without warning. Without even the slightest alarm. There is something in here moving her to run. She can’t be settle in this world you want her in. A box with two bedrooms just in case. A nice kitchen and dinning room set. A beautiful couch and love seat and your stupid lazy boy.

And it defines you in more ways than one. You stupid, lazy boy. You don’t realize what you have. You don’t really understand all she has offered and all that has already been given to you. You stupid, lazy boy you have no hope in living. You just wait for the next day. You don’t even appreciate your own breath. You stupid, lazy boy she was the only freedom you had.

Someday man will see that we have chosen all of this for ourselves. And on that day we will all pull into our oversized parking lots or guarges with out heavy duty vehicles and we will shut and lock the doors as usual. We will enter the home like every other day. We will not feel her absence. But once we start looking around and feel nothing but emptiness we will then realize.

We will realize what we have given up for our stupid nine to fives. We will realize what knowledge, what wisdom we have truly sacrificed by our laziness of vehicles and televisions. We will realize our pride and our envy and that they are both in vain. We will realize our wrath immediately, here after and all we will want to do is cry. We will want to curl back into ourselves. Into the spirits that we are. But until we wake up from this pattern of living, this lifestlye of denial and spiritual blindness we will never see the face to true freedom.

Stupid Lazy Boy, you thought you had it all. You thought you knew it all.
Stupid Lazy Boy, what does it feel like to come into conflict with yourself on such a level that it is rising like fire in your veins? Does it make you want to move? Does it make you want to agrue? Does it make you want to write, to paint, to draw? Does it make you want to experience life for all it’s beauty and all it’s true. A beauty and truth recognizable by all humans?
Does it make you want to deny me, freedom even more for fear that you have in fact been wrong in your existence all along?

I don’t mean to cause frustration and I don’t mean to cause angry.
I don’t mean to cause sadness and I don’t mean to cause despair.
But I certainly do not mean to cause apathy in thee.
Oh Stupid Lazy Boy, you have power beyond your knowledge.
Do you’re best to wake up. There is a whole universe out there. Why don’t you look around? Tell me what you really see!