// The Bourgeois And Me…//

My internet service provider, which is also the internet service provider for several other individuals within this nation was acting amiss today. Someone presented a metaphor trying to explain to a coworker of mine that the internet was like water and the service provider was the pump to the well. They exclaimed that the well was full and the pump was working but the water was being pump elsewhere.

What? Where is the internet going? Ha. It made me also think Y2K and the possibility that perhaps our estimations were just a little over a decade off. Huh…who knew. Y2K always makes me think of other conspiracies like the end of the world. If that is to happen are we right or wrong about our best guesses thus far? I don’t know if I believe in any of that mumbo-jumbo but it’s interesting to think about. It’s also interesting to think about how little I have written this year, for being my greatest passion I sure have shown it little limelight.

In fact, it saddens me how little I have created. I have worked more consistently this year but I have also played equally consistently. Yet, I have rendered my creativity very minimally.

Endlessly I feel half exhaustion, half ecstasy, in every inhale and every exhalation. So in conclusion, what is real to you, what is illusion?

// I Still Wish The Stars Would Speak//

Coming back from a coma or journey. 

One of the other. 

Same old story on new soil.

Same old pain on new skin. 

I was never happy without my sorrow. 

I will never be content without yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

My how the changing of the tide 

has sprang a leak inside

within my soul. 

A body crying for the young and old. 

I wish I had what once was sold. 

This youth was wasted and we loved our wine. 

We did some crying, we did some time. 

we did some things to ease our minds 

but nothing changed until we saw inside. 

Inside outside reflecting still 

the inner desires, the outer will. 

My power, what power? Do I have? 

Am I all good or am I all bad? 

This is a hushed almost vaporous sigh 

but alarm alarm alarm the lights and sounds 

are upside down. 

I’m direct effect. 

I’ve seen and sat with the enemy. 

I’ve made their home, my bed. 

What lies are told to shut us out, cold. 

Stranded, terrified alone? 

I’m bogus billionaires staring at the ceiling. 

Wish I had what once was sold but I am ever fearing. 

A reign, a reign, God’s given pain. 

It’s beauitufl and sweet sorrow. 

Silence is both truth and irogance. 

Too hushed or too loud we alert the rest. 

Society knows nothing about what’s inside my chest. 

I’ve got a lot to punish, I’ve got a lot to save. 

I’ve got a mouth to empty and a ear to fill. 

I’ve got a handful of promises but I may never know. 

What’s black? What’s white? What’s truth? 

Relativity projection, that’s all we seem to use. 

I’ve heard a light, I’ve seen a sound. 

I’ve touched a color 

spinning round and round. 

You’re my dearest and my only. 

But I have been promised, forever lonely.

I still wish the stars would speak.

And gain strength in what makes us weak!

// The Gamblers//

Gambling is an interesting concept especially with regards to life. What does your life mean to you? Do you feel like you are living up to your true potential? Do you feel as if you could be more, do more, see more? If so why aren’t you? Is it that risk that is involved that both tantalizes and scares you? Yeah, yes! Duh! I have absolutely no purpose for fear in my life and yet I have absolutely without a doubt been a victim to it. Fear of speaking out about how I truly feel, fear about driving which is pretty ridiculous I guess, fear of letting go, of accepting myself and others as they are, fear of failure and on and on to name a few and sometimes I leave this place a fear briefly and make totally and completely irrational decisions based solely on the fact that I feel a lingering need for change because this cozy comfy couch just ain’t kickin’ it no more. 
And in that I would like to introduce two different lyrical concepts on the topic of gambling. Whether in life or in a game or whether you believe life is just a game you do have to know how to play. That’s the icky sticky fun part, the experience. The melodramatic bullcrap that we call all just sit and laugh about over a nice cup of coffee or whatever else floats your boat. But I digress and now introduce the songs.
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers)

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em,know when to walk away, and know when to run.You never count your money, when your sittin’ at the table.There’ll be plenty of time for countin’, when the dealin’s done.”
and 
The Gambler by fun. 


I’m just going to include the entire lyrics because I am so in love with this song…it is never ending.

Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazyAll the kids are grown from babies into flowers in our eyesWe’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the gardenI don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die
We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective heartsIt was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eyeAnd you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to danceI knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight
I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a roseI will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonelyFor even if the sun stops waking up over the fieldsI will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s on timeSo just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side
It was the winter of ‘86, all the fields had frozen overSo we moved to Arizona to save our only sonAnd now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his motherHe believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone
And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughterShe has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are grayAnd just like him she never stops, never takes the day for grantedWorks for everything that’s handed to her, never once complained
You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you awayBut like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago’Til this day, you swore you’d be here ‘til we decide that it’s our timeBut it’s not time, you never quit in all your lifeSo just take my hand and know that I will never leave your sideYou’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side
You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eyeYou curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is oursSo we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grownAnd the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire

—————————————————————————————————————————————————I guess what true assessment to myself and to others is finding what it is in life that is worth the gamble. There is so much out there to gain and all of that but what is it at the very end of the day that you think about? What is your tireless desires that you never lay to rest not even in your dreams? Mine has a lot to do with love but i’m not sure in what form or from whom. I just know that love is real and truly all we really need. It is what all of our spirits are most hungry for. 
Yet, I am unsure of the ways and means but I have faith and that’s saying a lot!And I’m a gambler, I gotta be. 
God Bless! 

// Men on Rooftops//

It’s the stupidest thing but lately I’ve been having these thoughts. As I look outside the window and see the men working diligently on the rooftop of a house a few down from mine, I imagine one of them is you. I imagine you will realize how close you are to my house. I imagine you will take just one minute from working and walk over and knock on my door. And I’ll answer and we will hug and kiss and everything else will disappear. But you’re not even in that line of work and I could guess where you are and where your thoughts are. You’re scared but I’m far more afraid of your absence than you’ll ever know.

// Does Tiger Woods Owe You An Apology!?//

Someone asked me on ChaCha me if Tiger Woods owed me an apology. I went a little nutty and wrote out a rant. Enjoy.

No. I really don’t care what Tiger Woods does during his free time. In fact, I think the media should apologize for giving him so much publicity for such a private matter. I don’t understand why the media or our general public finds the private lives of celebrities so fascinating. I think that is a major issue in our society, seeing them as demigods or something and looking at our own lives and not being satisfied.

// Bone Marrow Questions.//

I was just pondering in my little silly brain the strange truth to, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. I find everything beautiful in some way. I also find everything humorous in some way. This may seems improbably but I do believe that given the proper conditions anything can be seen as both beautiful or humorous. Now I am not promising simultaneously but I am promising independently that everything is capable of that perception.

Onto what is puzzling me about that strange and delicious truth about perception I was curious as to what strange things do you find appealing about others that you believe most people are ‘turned off’ by? I don’t mean sexually but more of as a means of attraction in general to another human being. What is it that pulls you in? What are some day to day things you do or say that you believe others would perceive as unappealing and unusual?

I find the human specious to be the most strange of all creatures. I sometimes believe that perhaps we have a lot to learn from the beasts and their patient coexistence with nature. Yet, I find the absolute variety in design, perception, intellect, and several other factors truly most memorizing within the human. And this is why I ask you, what really get’s you off? What really motivates the fucking socks off you? What makes you wanna starve to death for it? What makes you the most heated? What chills you to the bone? What restores you from despair? What skeletons are in your closet?

Of course I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

I started this thinking I had nothing to ask but about beauty and went on a world win of questions. If you answer I will truly be appreciative. I will truly show you mine if you show me yours! I think I might start a series. Hells yes! The Bone Marrow Question series!

 ?

// Stupid Lazy Boy//

Waking up in the morning to a full plate of breakfast right next you in bed must feel good. Does it make you feel complete? Knowing that you have your warmth of the shelter, the comfort of a meal, and the love of another that graciously prepares and delievers to you each day.

And you get dressed and go off to work. You kiss her goodbye and as you pull away from the drive with nothing but ordinary and as usual written on your face, she waves fairwell.

She starts to pack her bags. First things first, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup, the boxed letters and poets she hid from you, the paintings she hung on the walls. The coffee maker, she’ll need that at the very least. So she doesn’t pick up after you today. She just packs and goes on her way.

She left without warning. Without even the slightest alarm. There is something in here moving her to run. She can’t be settle in this world you want her in. A box with two bedrooms just in case. A nice kitchen and dinning room set. A beautiful couch and love seat and your stupid lazy boy.

And it defines you in more ways than one. You stupid, lazy boy. You don’t realize what you have. You don’t really understand all she has offered and all that has already been given to you. You stupid, lazy boy you have no hope in living. You just wait for the next day. You don’t even appreciate your own breath. You stupid, lazy boy she was the only freedom you had.

Someday man will see that we have chosen all of this for ourselves. And on that day we will all pull into our oversized parking lots or guarges with out heavy duty vehicles and we will shut and lock the doors as usual. We will enter the home like every other day. We will not feel her absence. But once we start looking around and feel nothing but emptiness we will then realize.

We will realize what we have given up for our stupid nine to fives. We will realize what knowledge, what wisdom we have truly sacrificed by our laziness of vehicles and televisions. We will realize our pride and our envy and that they are both in vain. We will realize our wrath immediately, here after and all we will want to do is cry. We will want to curl back into ourselves. Into the spirits that we are. But until we wake up from this pattern of living, this lifestlye of denial and spiritual blindness we will never see the face to true freedom.

Stupid Lazy Boy, you thought you had it all. You thought you knew it all.
Stupid Lazy Boy, what does it feel like to come into conflict with yourself on such a level that it is rising like fire in your veins? Does it make you want to move? Does it make you want to agrue? Does it make you want to write, to paint, to draw? Does it make you want to experience life for all it’s beauty and all it’s true. A beauty and truth recognizable by all humans?
Does it make you want to deny me, freedom even more for fear that you have in fact been wrong in your existence all along?

I don’t mean to cause frustration and I don’t mean to cause angry.
I don’t mean to cause sadness and I don’t mean to cause despair.
But I certainly do not mean to cause apathy in thee.
Oh Stupid Lazy Boy, you have power beyond your knowledge.
Do you’re best to wake up. There is a whole universe out there. Why don’t you look around? Tell me what you really see!

// April Showers//

Do you sometime know what to title your posts before you write them? I can do that on occasion when I have a clear idea of what my basic message is going to be about before I even type the first line but more often than not I don’t. In this case I am pretty sure I know what I am going to talk about but have no idea what I should title it. This probably should just be titled RANT or DON’T READ or FULL OF FRUSTRATION AND ANGER!

I was at first rather livid about the following situation but then I took a step back and seriously thought about it. Talk to my friend Kancy and soon lost track of the issue and then I got yet another phone call. Now I am not one for woe is me stories and this is not intended to be one but I just need to write it down. Perhaps my journal would have been a better choice but I truly am falling in love with Tumblr.

In the following story the names have been changed just because I don’t really wish to reveal to anyone and I have always wanted to do that so here it is.

Tonight my ‘friend’ April called and informed me that I was going to have to go up with her to Valley Park and finish picking up the apartment and getting my things out. I didn’t want to be in Valley Park or around her tonight and I had some obligations to my regular life to deal with. So I found a way to postpone this little visit until tomorrow.

Called a friend and found out she was planning on being in Valley Park by 3pm and leaving at 8pm. 5 hours to get stuff done…sounds massive and a fair to me. So I called April. No answer. Called again about 5 mins later. I leave a voice mail stating that I will not be riding up with her as I wish to stay here for the night and will get all the stuff done tomorrow while she is at work so she has nothing to worry about.

Then she calls me. I answer.

She tells me I have to go up with her tonight.

“Why”, I say?

“Because I just talked to May and she is not going to take you.”

“What”? “Why”?

“Alexis, you just won’t have enough time to clean that place up and I have friends coming over friday and I want everything to be nice and neat. You don’t have any other choice.”

“No, I’ve talked to May, she said she’d take me. That’s five hours that is plenty of time. I don’t want to go up tonight.”

“You have no choice.”

“Yes, I do have a choice, this is my life. Not yours.”

By this time she is yelling and screaming at me, already. I cannot handle anymore. I have put up with this nonsense for far too long. I hang up on her.

Later on she starts threatening that either a) I will have to pay some random $200 dollar fee for bringing my cat into the apartment…for a month. or b) she is going to throw away the rest of the stuff that I have in the apartment because she would just claim that I was a ‘guest’ in the house rather than an actual tenet.

I start to freak out about this. I only have a few things there but I have papers there. Really important papers. Bank account information. And cards and letters from family members and friends. Pictures on a cork board. Little treasures like that and she is threatening to throw them away.

This all ended pretty badly. In retrospect I should have never accepted her apology the time before when she kidnapped me…that’s really not a joke. I live in turmoil while I am around her. I am terribly afraid that she will do something brash.

All in all I am no longer angry but frustration always settles in. I just want so badly to be able to fathom any part of where she is coming from but I cannot. I am at such a loss.

The only idea I can come up with is the fact that for so long of a time I allow here unconsciously the perception that she is in some sort of control of me. Then after a while of being away from here and waking up out of that state I realize what has been going on and I conclude that I am no longer going to be controlled by here. I rise up.

I guess the honest question I am posing is when does one person know it is time to cut all ties from someone. Under what circumstances is it better to burn a bridge rather than try to repair it? In friendship, in love, in anything?

I guess we all have our limits. There are rules and guildlines for such things I believe. Not that I agree with most laws but a lot of them are in place for good reason. What is good reason anyway?

I got my septum pierced about three months back. My septum has the ball off of it and the horseshoe shape just hangs down my nose, see photo to the left Anyway my step mother is fairly superstitious and believes that the fact that I have an upside-down horseshoe in my nose is bad luck. For there are lucky horseshoes but when turned around all the luck runs out.

If I was supersition I could honestly see where my luck had run out. Things just turn all about all the time for me. I don’t mind though. It doesn’t get me down. Sometimes in fact I percieve an idea that perhaps I was born to live a less priviledge simple kinda life so that I can be around certain people that need my help. Not saying that the priviledged or wealthy do not need help. I just mean I believe I could be someone whom gives up their own things, emotions, well-being and what not for the sake of someone else.

I don’t know. Regardless, I try and remain statisfied. And I am not moving back to St. Louis. Not yet and who knows if ever.

But here is my plan of action because I have need one for a very very long time. I am going to stay at my father’s house as long as I can save the money. After I have a good deal of money saved I would like to purchase a vehicle. Then I will save more and pay off my debts. Once that is paid off I will take the ACT again. Then I am going to start applying for colleges and deciding on a major. After that I can make a new plan of action. But that is my within 5 years plan of action. After 5 years I would like to be on the road, traveling all around; seeing and living through things I could never hope to see here. Locally.

But for now, I don’t mind living local. It’s a fair place to be. Comfy.
I write severely long posts. Sometimes I regret the length.
But since is the last entry I plan for today.

I’m happy about my plan of action.
I’m thankful for having my little dancing fool of a brother, he is just plan cool.
I’m hopeful that tomorrow I get my things together and in order and that I will not have to deal with April again. My mother told me you can’t trust that family

There are just some people whom don’t get it. But that’s for another day.

Night folks!