Life can be cruel or life can be kind. It will give you some of each from time to time. I often try and remain in the light. But I am drawn by both the dark and the light. It seems the absolute apex of each are conceivable within me, within each of us. I try not to speak about the things I loathe about myself or my life or others because it doesn’t do much good to make the negativity become stronger with the words. Yet, when it rains it pours and in truth life is not so much about what is happening to you and more about how you let it affect you. There are times when a person feels so absolutely beaten down by the world, by life, by everything that they can hardly see circumstances changing for the better and can only contemplate that ending it all would be the only true solution to suffice. There is much debate within myself as to whether it is ultimately the most selfish thing a person can do or perhaps the least selfish especially when you factor in the exponential growth in our population as a species.

My perception of the world, as with anyone else, has obviously been altered by time and experience. When I was a child I thought everything was big and everything was possible and magic at that. I believed love would save everyone and I believed in peace and compassion. Those things still matter to me and there is a part of me, the part driven by the light that still believes that and burns with brilliant bright white hot desire to achieve them. But the darker side of me wants to reminisce over the pain, the suffering, the struggle, the loss, the guilt, the shame, and the abuse I have endured. It wants me to remember how unhappy I am with the majority of my time. How unsatisfied, ashamed, and disappointed I have become with myself and it pushes me towards the end. Yet, thankfully though I still have a spark of the light always that keeps me hungry for more.

I don’t think anything in our lives ever gets easier and perhaps even for a while things become harder until eventually we just understand better how to deal with situations. Experience the greatest teacher it’s excellent for creating understanding and reactionary patterns to situations. So nothing really becomes easier, one simply becomes more aware of the proper handling of things.

Sometimes it takes people years, decades, and even entire lifetimes to learn a single lesson. But we can hope that eventually they will reach an understanding. I am the type of person doomed (at least for the most part) to learn the “hard way”. I often wish I could break myself of this.

I also wish I could break myself of my over-analysis of everything, my procrastination, my obvious pride issues, and my self-loathing wallowing. I’m an advocate for change. It’s the only way to mold yourself into a new shape, shade, hue. Experience and alterations to the inner psyche as a result of them is one of the only, if only, sure fire ways to create progress.

It is very true that if you can change your thoughts you can change your life and it does seem like such a trivial slogan type motivational effort but there is great truth to it. Our thoughts are who we are. What we think about ourselves, we become. It’s why you cannot let the dark win.

I know that I must learn from my experience and I know that I must change the way I am currently seeing my situation. If I don’t like it here so much and all I want to do is leave then I need to do that. I have spent nearly the last three years in Salem trying to get on my feet. Trying to pay off debts and save money in the process and for a while I was too giving of my time and money and I finally learned that lesson the “hard way”. After that the bills just became so high that I wasn’t really saving anything even when I did try. So I had to stop paying. Now I barely have over a hundred dollars in my possession after nearly three months of work at the Shitbrickhouse. It was a horrid affair that job but I believe we have to do things we do not so much want or like to do to become or to do the things we want. It took me a while to finally realize that to be a hard fact of life.

This town has lost it’s final light for me. I see no reason to stay. Everything I have tried to build for myself here always crumbles and that’s okay because in all honesty I’m not supposed to be here. I didn’t belong here even when I was a kid I knew I was destined for different things. I never thought I would return here. Yet, I have, time and time again, repeatedly for almost five years now. The topsy-turvy trial and error system I have established within this town is surely going to kill me.

And honestly it isn’t really that life is crueler or kinder to any lot of people. Life is what you make it. It isn’t really fair or unfair. It is chance. I think every good and bad will and can eventually balance out. They need each other to exist in this reality. We only know one because of the other.

My life has been one of extreme highs and lows but it wouldn’t matter what was happening to me for it to seem that way to me. I am just that way. I am exceptionally light and I am exceptionally dark. I relate to and understand only the truth in the essence of the extremeness of each because I am so extraordinarily both.

I am idealistic and nostalgic. I believe in the power of hope, faith, and love. I believe that good thoughts create good words and good deeds which create a chain reaction of good surrounding. I enjoy reminiscing over times that have passed me by and people whom I may never see again but will always remain alive in my heart. I am also analytical, cynical, and skeptical. I am a seeker of truth. I will go over how something could have been, how I could have made a different choice and all the what if’s in the world but not a single second of those thoughts really matter because the past is just that. Gone. Driven far enough away out of reach, passed us on the highway of life with its many curves, speed bumps, and potholes and its many hills and twists, and turns. Life is simply a ride of chance.

Whether things are predestined or chance anyway we are here in the now and that’s what matters and to focus on what could have been or what can be is only good if you can be content to change the very moment you are breathing in and exhale into the next.

Changes for the better can and must occur in my life and soon but I must create them. I can no longer idly stand by and contemplate all the things or ways I am currently doing wrong. I must just halt that process and make room for the right. Make room for the good, the better and the best.

I know I am a person with many strengths and also many weaknesses. I am honestly fairly aware of both spectrums of myself. I try to be aware and try and build my life and choices around them. I know that security and structure are what I most need in my life right now and while I may be provided a house right now, this is not the structure or security that I need any longer. I have to make change by simply doing. The thoughts and the writings reiterating them will do nothing if I do nothing.

And that’s life for you. If you don’t like something change it. Change how you feel about it. Do something. Yes it is easier said than done but it must be done or no progress or growth can commence.

It’s bizarre though how I somehow believe being from Salem is a gift all its own. The people and friends I have come to know and love from this town are truly inspirational, enriching, intelligent, creative, and funny. But on the other side of things this town is full of a wickedness as well. It is a place much like a black hole dying to ingest you and forever refrain from your release.

Yet, growing up here and being so deeply culturally repressed like most of the Midwest creates a very special breed of person. It either breeds more pathetic drones who blindly do as simple is and “always will be” and just lap up the milk of the mundane or it creates a particular artistic mind and intellect unique because of the unusually perceptive nature they have for seeing things as they are rather than as they are told. It’s a brilliant skepticism and intrigue for the exteriors of the small town. And the small town is full of gossip, hatred, betrayal, lies, and even much more ghastly things but it is also full of certain examples of true neighborliness born out of true concern, again we and all things have both light and dark.

When I think about the fact of the human psyche having such great light and darkness within themselves I am reminded of Brand New’s album “The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me” and it may be just that simple, that we have given names, faces, and personalities to our dual nature, to our light (God) and to our dark (Satan). Yet, it could also be that they are true creatures watching above and below us but my intellect tells me otherwise.

We are nothing more than a manifestation of our own thoughts and that is why if we want to change ourselves, our lives, the world; we must first change our thoughts. And so I try to focus on the light even when it’s raining cats and dogs and it seems nothing but the shadow of the sun is in sight. I believe in the power of positivity as well as negativity.

With everything that has happened over the past five years I have honestly learned a lot. I have learned how to better deal with death and grief. I have learned how to let go. I have learned that being alone really isn’t the worst possible outcome. I have learned that sometimes the best way to forgive someone is to stop all contact and just live and let live. I have learned that some people can’t and don’t want to be saved. I have learned that it’s not my job to save them. I have learned that anything worthwhile takes time. Trust is fragile, earned, and absolutely everything. I have learned that all people no matter the culture, age, race, etc. their deepest motivations are all the same, which are of understanding, acceptance, and love.

It isn’t just the mere fact that we as individuals have so many problems but as a whole species we are suffering and leaving disaster in our wake as we overpopulate the planet that is slowly becoming hotter and more polluted. I feel so selfish sometimes when I think about my problems compared to the rest of the worlds, how someone else always has it better and worse than I do. The scattered stands of life’s struggle surrounding us we must still embrace the light.

We must build an economy based on our deepest motivations. People only really desire wealth and power because they have no idea how to gain those things in the absence of either or both. Doctors should be doctors because they are driven with passion to cure the sick not cash out on their illness. Bankers should invest because they believe in something not because the economy is based on debt for debt. Teachers should be teachers because they desire to help others learn. The pharmaceutical companies should embrace cures rather than prescriptions to merely dull the side effects so they can make bank off the world’s diseases. Your job should be your passion. Everyone has talents and efforts they can utilize and put forth for the betterment of the whole. Dream this dream for me.

People should care less about appearance and more about character. People should seek to understand instead of judge, “because everyone is fighting a hard battle”. People should embrace change and do the most with what’s available to them. We should be grateful for the moments, the people, and the things we do have instead of pondering and wishing on the moments, people, and things we don’t. Dream this dream for me too.

I feel like for the most part people are both very selfish and selfless. They can be either. We can choose which path to take. There are moments where in all honesty it is better to be selfish and then of course there are numerous reasons to invoke the other. We are duality. We exist in a realm of duality. We must always attempt to keep them in balance.

There was much more personal account of my life addressed in the previous version of the above text but I have removed them because I don’t really care to share and I honestly don’t know what’s driving me to write all this as if I have things figured out. I don’t. Everyday is a struggle. I still try and maintain a positive outlook. Today I filled out my fafsa again. I don’t think I can survive another year just hopelessly searching for the right job when none of them will ever be the right job. I need an education. I feel like I cannot function at my true potential unless I get one. Another part of me thinks what a load of bullshit that is. Why should I put myself in deeper debt in the hope that upon my returning to school things will be different, that my perception has changed, that I won’t feel like just another loose strand in the system, another drone.

I see so many things in life that I enjoy that I just want to eat and drink up. So many things inspire me but at the very same time so many things entangle me in some sort of mixture of despair and madness. I don’t know sometimes I feel far too idealistic for this reality. Funny thing is it’s also my idealism that keeps me alive and believing that change is possible. I think its the prospect of change that keeps us going and also at other times leaves us shaking. We become so comfortable with certain habits, people, things, and the mere notion that something could alter that in even the slightest way can become so horrifying. In contrast for someone in my position when I feel at some instances that I am merely coasting along through this existence, change is all I can hope for. And the question of what if’s and what is and what does any of this mean? If it means anything. What is it to have meaning? Do lives have meaning? Sometimes I see these words and these questions and I just think well we’ve pretty much just put everything into nice little categories called words. Stuff and things. What’s the difference? How different the world would seem without language, without time. The concept of time is so ridiculous to me. It should merely consist of two instance (alive, dead) but we are observers and we study the stars and the seasons and the movement of the earth around the sun and we say this is day, and this that follows is night.

No wait, that was God. God said let there be light and there was light. And he called the light day and the darkness he called night.

Why did God who was infinite, omnipresent, and just absolute everything feel the need to name anything? If we are created? Why! If not, where does that leave us? In one great big adventure. But I feel like we could have had it so much better had society never happened. I see the benefits but sometimes I just want to crawl back in the womb. That’s a disorder. I’m not sure which but I know it is. I love my mom she’s a real nice lady. She’s smart and pretty too. But she’s put me through a lot of hardship but she also waited on me hand and foot for a good portion of my life. She did suffer through labor for me and then sat in a hospital chair for nearly the first year of my life. All alone at just 22. When I think about how I would reaction in that situation, how on earth I would be able to be responsible for another life when I’m still two years later feeling like a child myself. The older I become the more courageous it seems to me. I look back at my own life in retrospect and think geeze how did she do it. How did she raise two girls on her own, until I was nine and Courtney six. I find it so astonishingly perplexing and inspiring that truly the mere fact that there was ever one person in this world that would have taken the chance that she did on me, well then I might as well keep going. I might as well make the most out of this existence. Whether there is no meaning even at the end of all things.

The human connection (it’s pretty much the same thing as the rainbow connection only flesh colored), is ultimately all we really know. In so many ways the connection that I am most familiar with would be greatly broken if we didn’t have language. I’m sure there would be other means of communication. I think that’s really what is it. Even today in our postmodern hypercritical society we still want our damned ideas out there so bad. So much so that we will go as far as to write nasty things about others just to get our opinion out, in the hopes that somebody, anybody will bite. Well I say chew on this; even in all of my cynicism and skepticism (which I do have a lot of) I never try to gain pleasure out of the misfortune or pain of other. To me that is the most inhuman action one can do. For me, we as humans are really all there is and we may only get this life so why would you try to give somebody more grief than they have already given themselves?

And if I know anything about cynics, they are the one’s that need lovin’ the most!

Peace out ladies and gentlemen of the visible world I hope you enjoyed my transparency.

I haven’t written. I’m not going to apologize again. A lot has happened. A lot has manifested itself from thought to reality. A lot is still the same. I’m still suspended in place. Feeling a little more comfortable though. Actually, I’m not at all sure that comfortable is the right word. I guess I am just starting to see the reason in the circumstance. And really appreciating every bit of time I have. You know how they say it’s really all about being present and in the moment. It seems a pretty solid way to go.

I’ve been composing beats on fruity loops. Sipping coffee and smoking the occasional cancer stick. I was going to say something about how “I had Bukowski on my mind”, which I do. All the time it seems now. It’s a Good Life lyric. It’s more real to me now.

I saw a YouTube comment the other day on a Cyndi Lauper video. It was either “When You Were Mine” or “Time After Time”. They had commented that they remember listening to that particular album over and over when they were thirteen and then eventually coming to know all of the feelings that she talk about. And she thanked her mother for that.

I think about music a lot. There is something so intrinsically valuable in it that words cannot express. Only music begets music. It’s something of the heart and of the soul. I think we are music. Art.

Expression of life in our human form. As we are. and As we were. I’m not concerned with perception anymore. It’s a form of reality all it’s own and it will be nevertheless so I except it. I feel more alive for it.

I talk a lot about confusion. Most of us are in a state of confusion. Whether chronic or fleeting. It has a certain looming presence. At least in my generation.

Everything is everywhere all at once. There is so much to absorb. They say children are like sponges. I still feel like a child. In many ways I am. I am always feeling so in between everything. Not to be defined so quickly.

We’ve reached a time where there is no such they are counter culture. All culture has a audience. All culture has advocates everywhere. And the mainstream is the conglomerated combination of all the past counterculture movements.

I feel a lot of it is just simply a style and not a true express of oneself. I do feel that fashion can be a true expression of oneself however, it seems the truth is lost in all the seemingly sameness.

Yet, everyone is just a bizarre little fiber in this fabric.

A couple of weeks ago I got really drunk and wouldn’t you know I made some bad decisions. It’s so darkly humerus to me that alcohol remains the legal drug of choice. I’m not advocating drugs. I just know from experience that there are far better things than alcohol.There are far better things than drugs. But to be honest I think certain people need to partake to truly understand. Kinda like the lesson must be learned the ‘hard way’.

I’m just very experiential. I believe our existence is our purpose. We define it. We decide. The freewill. You get what you put into it. You get the life, the love, the death, you feel you deserve.

We are what we think. It’s been said time and time again. Yet, that is only a mere fraction of who we are. We are the people we talk to. We are the things we do, see, say, touch, feel, smell. The experience.

We are us.

Us is we.

It’s almost nonsensical.

Always the fine line.

Humans are always striving for some time of understanding. But I hear it’s better to understand than to be understood. I used to think I agreed and truly understood that ha! I didn’t.

The older I get the more things fit into place for me. I guess things really do just kinda fall into place. Eventually. One way or the other you have to decide. Either this is good or this is bad or it’s neither and what are you going to do about it.

But love.

Love

Love succeeds everything. Even in the magic of fairy tales it is true love’s kiss that can make or break any spell. It is the most powerful of all magic. It’s more than magic.

Love is the state we are so desirous of. Yet, you cannot go chasing after it. It will find you when you have found yourself.

Slowly but surely love will unravel all the layers you have covered yourself in. Whether for protection or for strength or out of confusion.

Love helps you discover more compassion for the world than anything else will.

You know it’s what the world needs now and always has.

I have long missed the days when I used to just type at my computer into my myspace blog without an ounce of proofing or editing and just submit it for the cosmos.

There was something so innocent about my expression of self then. So pure. My mind was sad, compassionate, and delicate but it didn’t truly comprehend the world.

As I have grown with age the world and society make a little more sense. Yes, I said it. Society.

Things are the way they are. Like I said. You must either except this or change this. But you can.

There is no mountain or tree too big to climb There is no trench or pain to deep too overcome

Every moment is a chance. To turn around. To change direction. To stay the same. To live.

But back to the YouTube comment. It made me feel so nostalgic about the music I have come across and come to adore over the years.

I remember at three years old I was obsessed with Ozzy Osborn and Mötley Crüe.

By six I was onto my own hand me down vinyl collection of Motown. The Jackson Five and The Supremes being my favorites.

By eight I had cassettes. Again hand me downs. They were prince, and Blondie, and Cyndi Lauper.

And later I got some Britney Spears.

I believe I was in forth grade when I go my first cd. Which was the first *Nync record. My sister and I had picked it out together.

After that I bought all of Michael Jackson’s cd’s. And my mother gave me more hand me downs.

Then I got into Bright Eyes,The Strokes, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, Brand New. The Shins.

By the time I had started high school I had my own computer and started downloading most of my music.

My taste was forever altered when I turned sixteen years old and my friend Kancy Robison bought me Sergent Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.

My perceptions of the world had really been opened. I started listening to Dylan. He became my favorite of all time. Where MJ once stood.

To this day I have three vinyls that I hold dearly high above all else.

Blonde On Blonde, Thriller, and Some Nights.

While I am so completely compelled to Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osborn because of the three year old inside of me that was once absolutely obsessed still resides inside of me. While I am still entranced by Motown and Michael Jackson’s voice. While Morrissey seems to understand my bittersweet melancholy more than anyone else and how the music of The Smiths seems such the literal musical translation of his lyrics. And while Conor Oberst is still that reaching, outstretching, suffering, hopelessly hopeful creature that is a huge portion of my heart. Or While The Strokes awaken such nostalgia and good feelings of yesteryear and how the lyrics mean more now and are better understood as I am now then as I were. While Dylan remains the greatest and will always stand there for me. The times do change. But sometimes the change creates such a sense of sameness.

I found out about a month ago that Dylan used to beat his wife Sara. It would be a lie if I didn’t say it broke my heart a little. It really did. But it would also be a lie if I didn’t tell you that a part of me understands the torment.

A friend told me there was an encyclopedia at his university that was about four inches thick on Bob Dylan. We were both memorized at the thought of this.

How does one get a four inch encyclopedia written about their life and their craft?

I mean it’s easy to see how Bob Dylan has it. It would be easy to see that people are compelled to write about it. Music is so intrinsically valuable to the human’s understanding of himself and everything else.

When you master a craft like Dylan. But the truth is Dylan hated the fame. He has said all he could be was “me, whatever that is” and it’s true. We find it so astounding, people artist expressing themselves.

Morrissey is so humble about his work. He doesn’t understand how it could have affect so many people. How it has sustained their life for longer.

But good art does not merely mimic life. It creates life. It breeds new beliefs. New understanding. New inspiration. New purpose. New Meaning.

But the artist doesn’t see the true value of his work in the same way that others do.

I think the best way to be understanding and not to worry about being understood is to just express and let the others have their perceptions about you and your works.

And listen with an open mind and a closed mouth.

The best conversationalist are those who can listen first and speak later.

I think the artist in us all observes and listens carefully and then makes little comments in our art. In our lives.

My dad told me once that Dylan said all he really wanted was that white picket fence.

The 1950’s idealism of the American Dream that never really existed that we are still striving to return to that has never really been.

Yes there were times where some people were safer and didn’t have to worry about enemies for the most part. But much of the world had it’s own enemies merely by birth. And that is an injustice.

So the world is always in a state of confusion. Not just me. Not just this generation. We are always seeking that understanding.

Everyone is a seeker in one way or the other. Some seek fame which is useless and futile. Some seek love but will not find it for their search. Some seek forgiveness and we must oblige if they ask. Some seek answers and for them gradually the picture becomes clearer. But we all seek understanding and acceptance.

These needs do no go away with age. The reality of it is the more you understand the more you can accept and the more you accept the more accepted you can become.

“And you should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living cause it’s the ones with the sorest throats, Laura, who have done the most singing. Everybody!”

There are times when I really struggle to get out of bed. I’m in a total state of dysania. “Everybody hurts sometimes.”

There are times where I awake without any effort and get up and the day feels alive and brilliant to me and I feel it run through me. ‘Today is the greatest of them all, can’t live for tomorrow. Tomorrow’s much too long”.

Music and art are necessary to sustain our existence at this point and anyone who would say anything to the contrary I would have extreme doubt that they were human at all.

So it’s been quite a while tumblr. It’s a long time coming. But I miss the space here.

I wanted to submit the piano riff I am currently working on in fruity loops. I’m still a beginner but I think it’s pretty and it speaks to my heart strings.

So I share.

My internet service provider, which is also the internet service provider for several other individuals within this nation was acting amiss today. Someone presented a metaphor trying to explain to a coworker of mine that the internet was like water and the service provider was the pump to the well. They exclaimed that the well was full and the pump was working but the water was being pump elsewhere.

What? Where is the internet going? Ha. It made me also think Y2K and the possibility that perhaps our estimations were just a little over a decade off. Huh…who knew. Y2K always makes me think of other conspiracies like the end of the world. If that is to happen are we right or wrong about our best guesses thus far? I don’t know if I believe in any of that mumbo-jumbo but it’s interesting to think about. It’s also interesting to think about how little I have written this year, for being my greatest passion I sure have shown it little limelight.

In fact, it saddens me how little I have created. I have worked more consistently this year but I have also played equally consistently. Yet, I have rendered my creativity very minimally.

Endlessly I feel half exhaustion, half ecstasy, in every inhale and every exhalation. So in conclusion, what is real to you, what is illusion?

Coming back from a coma or journey. 

One of the other. 

Same old story on new soil.

Same old pain on new skin. 

I was never happy without my sorrow. 

I will never be content without yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

My how the changing of the tide 

has sprang a leak inside

within my soul. 

A body crying for the young and old. 

I wish I had what once was sold. 

This youth was wasted and we loved our wine. 

We did some crying, we did some time. 

we did some things to ease our minds 

but nothing changed until we saw inside. 

Inside outside reflecting still 

the inner desires, the outer will. 

My power, what power? Do I have? 

Am I all good or am I all bad? 

This is a hushed almost vaporous sigh 

but alarm alarm alarm the lights and sounds 

are upside down. 

I’m direct effect. 

I’ve seen and sat with the enemy. 

I’ve made their home, my bed. 

What lies are told to shut us out, cold. 

Stranded, terrified alone? 

I’m bogus billionaires staring at the ceiling. 

Wish I had what once was sold but I am ever fearing. 

A reign, a reign, God’s given pain. 

It’s beauitufl and sweet sorrow. 

Silence is both truth and irogance. 

Too hushed or too loud we alert the rest. 

Society knows nothing about what’s inside my chest. 

I’ve got a lot to punish, I’ve got a lot to save. 

I’ve got a mouth to empty and a ear to fill. 

I’ve got a handful of promises but I may never know. 

What’s black? What’s white? What’s truth? 

Relativity projection, that’s all we seem to use. 

I’ve heard a light, I’ve seen a sound. 

I’ve touched a color 

spinning round and round. 

You’re my dearest and my only. 

But I have been promised, forever lonely.

I still wish the stars would speak.

And gain strength in what makes us weak!

Gambling is an interesting concept especially with regards to life. What does your life mean to you? Do you feel like you are living up to your true potential? Do you feel as if you could be more, do more, see more? If so why aren’t you? Is it that risk that is involved that both tantalizes and scares you? Yeah, yes! Duh! I have absolutely no purpose for fear in my life and yet I have absolutely without a doubt been a victim to it. Fear of speaking out about how I truly feel, fear about driving which is pretty ridiculous I guess, fear of letting go, of accepting myself and others as they are, fear of failure and on and on to name a few and sometimes I leave this place a fear briefly and make totally and completely irrational decisions based solely on the fact that I feel a lingering need for change because this cozy comfy couch just ain’t kickin’ it no more. 
And in that I would like to introduce two different lyrical concepts on the topic of gambling. Whether in life or in a game or whether you believe life is just a game you do have to know how to play. That’s the icky sticky fun part, the experience. The melodramatic bullcrap that we call all just sit and laugh about over a nice cup of coffee or whatever else floats your boat. But I digress and now introduce the songs.
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (Hi, I’m Kenny Rogers)

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold’em,know when to walk away, and know when to run.You never count your money, when your sittin’ at the table.There’ll be plenty of time for countin’, when the dealin’s done.”
and 
The Gambler by fun. 


I’m just going to include the entire lyrics because I am so in love with this song…it is never ending.

Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazyAll the kids are grown from babies into flowers in our eyesWe’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the gardenI don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die
We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective heartsIt was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eyeAnd you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to danceI knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight
I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a roseI will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonelyFor even if the sun stops waking up over the fieldsI will not leave, I will not leave ‘til it’s on timeSo just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side
It was the winter of ‘86, all the fields had frozen overSo we moved to Arizona to save our only sonAnd now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his motherHe believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone
And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughterShe has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are grayAnd just like him she never stops, never takes the day for grantedWorks for everything that’s handed to her, never once complained
You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you awayBut like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago’Til this day, you swore you’d be here ‘til we decide that it’s our timeBut it’s not time, you never quit in all your lifeSo just take my hand and know that I will never leave your sideYou’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side
You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eyeYou curse the dogs, you say that I should never feed them what is oursSo we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grownAnd the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire

—————————————————————————————————————————————————I guess what true assessment to myself and to others is finding what it is in life that is worth the gamble. There is so much out there to gain and all of that but what is it at the very end of the day that you think about? What is your tireless desires that you never lay to rest not even in your dreams? Mine has a lot to do with love but i’m not sure in what form or from whom. I just know that love is real and truly all we really need. It is what all of our spirits are most hungry for. 
Yet, I am unsure of the ways and means but I have faith and that’s saying a lot!And I’m a gambler, I gotta be. 
God Bless! 

It’s the stupidest thing but lately I’ve been having these thoughts. As I look outside the window and see the men working diligently on the rooftop of a house a few down from mine, I imagine one of them is you. I imagine you will realize how close you are to my house. I imagine you will take just one minute from working and walk over and knock on my door. And I’ll answer and we will hug and kiss and everything else will disappear. But you’re not even in that line of work and I could guess where you are and where your thoughts are. You’re scared but I’m far more afraid of your absence than you’ll ever know.

Someone asked me on ChaCha me if Tiger Woods owed me an apology. I went a little nutty and wrote out a rant. Enjoy.

No. I really don’t care what Tiger Woods does during his free time. In fact, I think the media should apologize for giving him so much publicity for such a private matter. I don’t understand why the media or our general public finds the private lives of celebrities so fascinating. I think that is a major issue in our society, seeing them as demigods or something and looking at our own lives and not being satisfied.

I was just pondering in my little silly brain the strange truth to, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”. I find everything beautiful in some way. I also find everything humorous in some way. This may seems improbably but I do believe that given the proper conditions anything can be seen as both beautiful or humorous. Now I am not promising simultaneously but I am promising independently that everything is capable of that perception.

Onto what is puzzling me about that strange and delicious truth about perception I was curious as to what strange things do you find appealing about others that you believe most people are ‘turned off’ by? I don’t mean sexually but more of as a means of attraction in general to another human being. What is it that pulls you in? What are some day to day things you do or say that you believe others would perceive as unappealing and unusual?

I find the human specious to be the most strange of all creatures. I sometimes believe that perhaps we have a lot to learn from the beasts and their patient coexistence with nature. Yet, I find the absolute variety in design, perception, intellect, and several other factors truly most memorizing within the human. And this is why I ask you, what really get’s you off? What really motivates the fucking socks off you? What makes you wanna starve to death for it? What makes you the most heated? What chills you to the bone? What restores you from despair? What skeletons are in your closet?

Of course I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!

I started this thinking I had nothing to ask but about beauty and went on a world win of questions. If you answer I will truly be appreciative. I will truly show you mine if you show me yours! I think I might start a series. Hells yes! The Bone Marrow Question series!

 ?

Waking up in the morning to a full plate of breakfast right next you in bed must feel good. Does it make you feel complete? Knowing that you have your warmth of the shelter, the comfort of a meal, and the love of another that graciously prepares and delievers to you each day.

And you get dressed and go off to work. You kiss her goodbye and as you pull away from the drive with nothing but ordinary and as usual written on your face, she waves fairwell.

She starts to pack her bags. First things first, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup, the boxed letters and poets she hid from you, the paintings she hung on the walls. The coffee maker, she’ll need that at the very least. So she doesn’t pick up after you today. She just packs and goes on her way.

She left without warning. Without even the slightest alarm. There is something in here moving her to run. She can’t be settle in this world you want her in. A box with two bedrooms just in case. A nice kitchen and dinning room set. A beautiful couch and love seat and your stupid lazy boy.

And it defines you in more ways than one. You stupid, lazy boy. You don’t realize what you have. You don’t really understand all she has offered and all that has already been given to you. You stupid, lazy boy you have no hope in living. You just wait for the next day. You don’t even appreciate your own breath. You stupid, lazy boy she was the only freedom you had.

Someday man will see that we have chosen all of this for ourselves. And on that day we will all pull into our oversized parking lots or guarges with out heavy duty vehicles and we will shut and lock the doors as usual. We will enter the home like every other day. We will not feel her absence. But once we start looking around and feel nothing but emptiness we will then realize.

We will realize what we have given up for our stupid nine to fives. We will realize what knowledge, what wisdom we have truly sacrificed by our laziness of vehicles and televisions. We will realize our pride and our envy and that they are both in vain. We will realize our wrath immediately, here after and all we will want to do is cry. We will want to curl back into ourselves. Into the spirits that we are. But until we wake up from this pattern of living, this lifestlye of denial and spiritual blindness we will never see the face to true freedom.

Stupid Lazy Boy, you thought you had it all. You thought you knew it all.
Stupid Lazy Boy, what does it feel like to come into conflict with yourself on such a level that it is rising like fire in your veins? Does it make you want to move? Does it make you want to agrue? Does it make you want to write, to paint, to draw? Does it make you want to experience life for all it’s beauty and all it’s true. A beauty and truth recognizable by all humans?
Does it make you want to deny me, freedom even more for fear that you have in fact been wrong in your existence all along?

I don’t mean to cause frustration and I don’t mean to cause angry.
I don’t mean to cause sadness and I don’t mean to cause despair.
But I certainly do not mean to cause apathy in thee.
Oh Stupid Lazy Boy, you have power beyond your knowledge.
Do you’re best to wake up. There is a whole universe out there. Why don’t you look around? Tell me what you really see!

Do you sometime know what to title your posts before you write them? I can do that on occasion when I have a clear idea of what my basic message is going to be about before I even type the first line but more often than not I don’t. In this case I am pretty sure I know what I am going to talk about but have no idea what I should title it. This probably should just be titled RANT or DON’T READ or FULL OF FRUSTRATION AND ANGER!

I was at first rather livid about the following situation but then I took a step back and seriously thought about it. Talk to my friend Kancy and soon lost track of the issue and then I got yet another phone call. Now I am not one for woe is me stories and this is not intended to be one but I just need to write it down. Perhaps my journal would have been a better choice but I truly am falling in love with Tumblr.

In the following story the names have been changed just because I don’t really wish to reveal to anyone and I have always wanted to do that so here it is.

Tonight my ‘friend’ April called and informed me that I was going to have to go up with her to Valley Park and finish picking up the apartment and getting my things out. I didn’t want to be in Valley Park or around her tonight and I had some obligations to my regular life to deal with. So I found a way to postpone this little visit until tomorrow.

Called a friend and found out she was planning on being in Valley Park by 3pm and leaving at 8pm. 5 hours to get stuff done…sounds massive and a fair to me. So I called April. No answer. Called again about 5 mins later. I leave a voice mail stating that I will not be riding up with her as I wish to stay here for the night and will get all the stuff done tomorrow while she is at work so she has nothing to worry about.

Then she calls me. I answer.

She tells me I have to go up with her tonight.

“Why”, I say?

“Because I just talked to May and she is not going to take you.”

“What”? “Why”?

“Alexis, you just won’t have enough time to clean that place up and I have friends coming over friday and I want everything to be nice and neat. You don’t have any other choice.”

“No, I’ve talked to May, she said she’d take me. That’s five hours that is plenty of time. I don’t want to go up tonight.”

“You have no choice.”

“Yes, I do have a choice, this is my life. Not yours.”

By this time she is yelling and screaming at me, already. I cannot handle anymore. I have put up with this nonsense for far too long. I hang up on her.

Later on she starts threatening that either a) I will have to pay some random $200 dollar fee for bringing my cat into the apartment…for a month. or b) she is going to throw away the rest of the stuff that I have in the apartment because she would just claim that I was a ‘guest’ in the house rather than an actual tenet.

I start to freak out about this. I only have a few things there but I have papers there. Really important papers. Bank account information. And cards and letters from family members and friends. Pictures on a cork board. Little treasures like that and she is threatening to throw them away.

This all ended pretty badly. In retrospect I should have never accepted her apology the time before when she kidnapped me…that’s really not a joke. I live in turmoil while I am around her. I am terribly afraid that she will do something brash.

All in all I am no longer angry but frustration always settles in. I just want so badly to be able to fathom any part of where she is coming from but I cannot. I am at such a loss.

The only idea I can come up with is the fact that for so long of a time I allow here unconsciously the perception that she is in some sort of control of me. Then after a while of being away from here and waking up out of that state I realize what has been going on and I conclude that I am no longer going to be controlled by here. I rise up.

I guess the honest question I am posing is when does one person know it is time to cut all ties from someone. Under what circumstances is it better to burn a bridge rather than try to repair it? In friendship, in love, in anything?

I guess we all have our limits. There are rules and guildlines for such things I believe. Not that I agree with most laws but a lot of them are in place for good reason. What is good reason anyway?

I got my septum pierced about three months back. My septum has the ball off of it and the horseshoe shape just hangs down my nose, see photo to the left Anyway my step mother is fairly superstitious and believes that the fact that I have an upside-down horseshoe in my nose is bad luck. For there are lucky horseshoes but when turned around all the luck runs out.

If I was supersition I could honestly see where my luck had run out. Things just turn all about all the time for me. I don’t mind though. It doesn’t get me down. Sometimes in fact I percieve an idea that perhaps I was born to live a less priviledge simple kinda life so that I can be around certain people that need my help. Not saying that the priviledged or wealthy do not need help. I just mean I believe I could be someone whom gives up their own things, emotions, well-being and what not for the sake of someone else.

I don’t know. Regardless, I try and remain statisfied. And I am not moving back to St. Louis. Not yet and who knows if ever.

But here is my plan of action because I have need one for a very very long time. I am going to stay at my father’s house as long as I can save the money. After I have a good deal of money saved I would like to purchase a vehicle. Then I will save more and pay off my debts. Once that is paid off I will take the ACT again. Then I am going to start applying for colleges and deciding on a major. After that I can make a new plan of action. But that is my within 5 years plan of action. After 5 years I would like to be on the road, traveling all around; seeing and living through things I could never hope to see here. Locally.

But for now, I don’t mind living local. It’s a fair place to be. Comfy.
I write severely long posts. Sometimes I regret the length.
But since is the last entry I plan for today.

I’m happy about my plan of action.
I’m thankful for having my little dancing fool of a brother, he is just plan cool.
I’m hopeful that tomorrow I get my things together and in order and that I will not have to deal with April again. My mother told me you can’t trust that family

There are just some people whom don’t get it. But that’s for another day.

Night folks!